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nothing_rhymes_with_iantoI do not own Queer As Folk, CowLip does. I'm just doing this because I know some people want the script available and every one I can find is wrong.
Season One, Episode Two
Transcript under the cut.
Season One, Episode Two
[A computer screen. A man sits down and takes his shirt off.]
TED: Brian Kinney, a father?
MICHAEL(over the phone): It's true. I saw it happen with my own eyes.
TED: Talk about conceiving the inconceivable. Or is it the other way around?
MICHAEL: Would you give the guy a break?
[Camera pans slowly back from the computer screen. Ted puts a pen in his mouth]
EMMETT(Over the phone): Couldnt be any worse than my Daddy was.
[Shot through the doorway of Ted at his desk at work, chewing on a pen and watching the computer screen]
MICHAEL: Or mine. Not that I remember him.
TED: So what's next? PTA parent? Little league coach? Scoutmaster.
[Screen splits in two. The frame on the left is Ted at his desk, the frame the right is Michael walking through the store at work.]
MICHAEL: They dont allow queers in the scouts. They're afraid we'll induct new recruits.
[The screen splits again, into threes. Emmett is on top. He is fixing a mannequin's pants at Torso.]
EMMETT: I only go out with guys who've already enlisted. So, uh, who's he look like?
MICHAEL: Well, he's got Brian's eyes and mouth....and Lindsay's nose.
TED: [Rolling his eyes] Well, if he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble. [Emmett chuckles]
MICHAEL: You should see the pictures I took. He's so adorable. In one of them he's actually playing with himself.
TED: Who, Brian?
MICHAEL: No, the baby. [The camera changes to a full frame of Michael] Can you imagine, he's only been in the world about an hour, and already he's pulling his pud.
[A man behind Michael looks at him, stands and walks over.]
MAN: Excuse me.
MICHAEL: Yeah.
MAN: Can you tell me where men's jockey shorts are?
MICHAEL: Aisle four.
MAN: Thanks.
MICHAEL: Sure.
TED(over the phone): Well, that proves the theory. [A shot of Ted's face as he watches porn] We've all got dick on the brain, from womb to tomb.
EMMETT(Over the phone): Speak for yourself.
TED: I am. Yeah, go for it.
EMMETT: Are you watching that filthy website again?
TED: You cant believe this guy. He must be at least ten inches.
[A shot of Ted's boss walking in the doorway]
WERTSHAFTER: Ted? Ted.
[Ted slams his finger on the keyboard]
TED: Can I put you on hold one moment please? Yes, Mr. Wertshafter.
WERTSHAFTER: Have you finished going over the Gropnik returns?
TED: Oh, yes, sir. I just printed them out. [A shot of Ted's hand picking up a file. Under it is a photo of Michael, shirtless, smiling] There you are. Federal and state.
WERTSHAFTER: Thanks.
TED: You're welcome....Mr. Wertshafter. [He looks down and takes a breath. Close call. He picks up the phone again.] Sorry. The boss.
[The screen again splits into threes. Ted on the left, Michael on the right, Emmett on top. Emmett is fixing a mannequin's pants in the display window, on his knees in a suggestive position.]
MICHAEL: Shit! You better be careful.
EMMETT: The last thing you need is for him to catch you on CumQuick.com.
TED: Oh, please. That guy's so blind he's yet to figure out his wife's been boinking his business partner for the last five years. How do you think he's going to find out about me? Catch you later.
EMMETT: Later.
MICHAEL: Later.
[Screen goes to full frame of Ted as he hangs up the phone.]
MICHAEL(narrating): Remember that story we all read in high school, you know, the one about the prisoners chained in the cave? [Ted stares at the photo of Michael] Plato or whoever. All they could see were shadows on a wall, so after a while, they started thinking that was reality. [Camera slow pans away from Ted at his desk] Well, in a way, that's what Ted's like. It's been so long since he's had sex with someone he didnt download, he's forgotten that all those perfect bodies and perfect faces arent real. That no one's really there. That they're only...shadows. Than again, who ever got anal warts in a chat room?
[Cut to Michael at the store. He sees two men with their arms around each other. He watches them. A coworker is also watching]
COWORKER(whispering): Michael! [She makes a limp-wristed gesture and mouths "fags." She giggles, covering her mouth with her hand. Michael laughs, too. He is not out at work. The two men turn and look at him. He stops laughing. They drop their shopping baskets and leave. He looks at the floor. Cut to Brian's office. He is pitching an ad. Close up on his face.]
BRIAN: The difference between our beer and their beer is that our beer says "sex"... [Brian tosses a green apple in the air and catches it. A young man watches him. He looks at the young man, then at an older man.] not Clydesdales. [The young man looks to the side. A shot of Brian's hand catching the apple. The young man looks back.] If you want to be cool, if you want to be popular, if you want to get...laid...[A shot of an older woman. She smiles. The young man is fidgeting.] this is what you drink.
MAN: What about the model? Are you sure he isnt too, um...
[The man gestures. A shot of Brian's hand tossing the apple. It passes the ad. A shot of Brian's face as it passes. A shot of Brian's hand catching the apple.]
BRIAN: Gay? [The man nods. Brian licks his lips, turns to his audience] Ladies?
WOMAN: I wouldnt care if he was. I'd go to bed with him anyway. [Another woman giggles. The young man is staring at Brian. Brian turns to him.]
BRIAN: What do you think? [He bites into his apple. Quick, distorted zoom in on the young man's face. He is mezmerized.]
YOUNG MAN: I hadnt thought about it.
[A shot of Brian, chewing, lips wet with juice from his apple. Camera focuses on the ad behind him.]
[Cut to Justin in the boy's locker room.Freefall by Tom Third plays. Justin is finishing dressing, trying to discreetly check out the guys in the locker room. He is watching a football player, Chris Hobbes, number 68. He pretends to drop his books and picks them up, checking out guys in the showers. He watches as Chris Hobbes slaps another football player's ass, smiling. Cut to football practice. Grunts of the game]
COACH: Move. Move. You guys show some hustle out there. Let's go.
[Camera pans out to show Daphne and Justin sitting on the wall watching practice. Justin is drawing. Close up on his sketchbook. He is drawing the players.]
JUSTIN: Guess what I was doing last night.
DAPHNE: Sleeping, same as me?
JUSTIN: Having sex, all night, with that guy I met, Brian Kinney. We did it till six in the morning.[She looks at him] Well? Arent you shocked?
DAPHNE: [Shaking her head] Not really.
JUSTIN: Oh.
DAPHNEL: Well, I kinda figured that you're... [She gestures] you know. Even though you never told me.
JUSTIN: I'm telling you now. [She sighs]
DAPHNE: Want some of my veggie wrap? [He takes it from her, takes a bite.] So what was it like?
JUSTIN: [Grinning] Well, I started out as a tight end, but ended up a wide receiver. [She giggles. A shot of a player jogging toward them.]
PLAYERS: Ball. Ball.
COACH: Come on, where's your arm. Come on.
[Justin catches the ball and tosses it back]
PLAYER: Thanks. [He runs back to practice. Cut to Brian's office. The clients are leaving, they are shaking hands]
ASSISTANT:Thank you. Good to meet you.
BRIAN: Thank you.
ASSISTANT: Next time.
BRIAN: Thanks.
[The young man is still packing up. He looks at Brian. Brian looks slowly over at him, biting his lip.]
ASSISTANT(Sing song): Uh, he's married.
BRIAN: Uh huh.
ASSISTANT: With two children.
BRIAN: Ah, a family man.
ASSISTANT: [Scoffing] Huh! [The young man walks over to them]
YOUNG MAN: Excuse me. Could you, uh, tell me where the men's room is?
ASSISTANT: Yeah, it's just down the hall and to the left.
YOUNG MAN: Thanks [He smiles, nods, looks at Brian. They watch him leave.]
BRIAN: That's a long trip. [She scoffs] He could get lost. [He takes a few steps forward]
ASSISTANT: [over his shoulder] I'm sure you'll show him the way.
[Cut to Saint James' Academy. Daphne is biting into a red apple. Justin is talking.]
JUSTIN: There I was on my back. And there he was on top of me, slipping it in. [Daphne makes a face]
DAPHNE: That must've hurt. Didnt it hurt?
JUSTIN: Yeah, at first it felt like someone was shoving a broom up there. But, I told him to go slower, and he did. Then I stopped thinking about it when I saw his face. His eyes were closed. [He smiles at the memory] His mouth was open in a sort of smile. Like he was in another place. A beautiful place. [He looks sideways at her.] That place was me. [She snorts] And his body. God! Like his body was so amazing. I could see every muscle. He said he wanted to stay inside me forever, and I wanted him to. [He looks out in the distance, remembering. She looks out too.] I still feel him, like, he's still there. Christ, Daphne, everybody talks about having sex. [He grins] But I really did it.
[Cut to the bathroom at Brian's office. The young man is standing at a urinal at the end. Brian comes in and stands at the one beside him. The sound of a belt, opening of a zipper, a sniffle. A shot of Brian's face from the side. The young man is in the foreground, out of focus.]
BRIAN: I had to piss during that whole pitch. Didnt think I could hold it. [The young man looks at him, smiles]
YOUNG MAN: Your presentation was very impressive.
BRIAN: Think so? [He looks down suggestively, then away. The young man looks down, then back up, smiling.]
YOUNG MAN: Yeah, it was very impressive.
BRIAN: Well, I'm glad you liked it, because that's what we're here for. [He looks at him sideways.] To please the client.
[Cut to Justin and Daphne walking home.]
DAPHNE: So, like, what is he now? Your boyfriend? [Justin chuckles]
JUSTIN: We just met.
DAPHNE: Well...do you love him?
JUSTIN: I dont know. Yeah, I love him.
DAPHNE: Does he love you?
JUSTIN: He said he did.
DAPHNE: When?
JUSTIN: Well, when he was about to shoot. [She giggles] He was moving really fast, and he let out this groan like nothing I'd ever heard before. And that's when he said it. Right when he came. He said, "I love you." Then he leaned in and kissed me.
[Cut to the bathroom. The young man and Brian are washing their hands. Brian is balling up a paper towel. The young man clears his throat. Brian looks at him in the mirror and tosses the paper towel away without looking.]
YOUNG MAN: Well, I guess we better be getting back.
BRIAN: Yeah, I guess so. [The young man holds out his hand.]
YOUNG MAN: Well, it's been a pleasure. [Brian looks at the hand]
BRIAN: It can be even more of one.
YOUNG MAN: Excuse me?
[They stare at each other. Brian moves forward. He takes the young man by the collar and pulls him into a stall. He slams the door. The sign changes from VACANT to OCCUPIED. Camera pans from Brian's hands undoing the young man's belt to his face.]
BRIAN: You know, I'm never wrong.
YOUNG MAN: Huh?
BRIAN: Oh, nothing, buddy. [He has the young man by the chin. He moves to kiss him. The young man stops him]
YOUNG MAN: I-I dont kiss. [A shot of Brian's hand pulling off the young man's belt]
BRIAN: Yeah, right.
[He kisses him. A shot of the man's face as Brian kisses up his chest. A shot from above as Brian turns him around, put the young man's hands on the top of the stall, bites his ear.]
[Cut to Michael's store. Michael's coworker, Tracy, is smiling.Michael is standing behind a register with another coworker, Marley.]
TRACY: Mr. Novotny?
MICHAEL: Mike.
TRACY: Mike. [She leans against the counter] I was wondering if...well, you know those boxes you wanted me to move.
MICHAEL: Mm-hmm.
TRACY: I mean, I dont want to seem like I'm shirking or anything, but they're kind of heavy. Do you think one of the guys could maybe give me a hand?
MICHAEL: Yeah, no problem. I can get somebody to help you.
TRACY: Oh, that'd be great. Okay. I'll be over on aisle 14.
MICHAEL: Okay.
TRACY: Okay. [A shot of her walking away.]
MARLEY: Yes, your majesty. Somebody should tell her Princess Di is dead, and they're not looking for a replacement.
MICHAEL: The boxes are heavy. And there's nothing wrong with asking for help. I... I think she's kind of sweet, actually.
MARLEY: You think she's sweet?
MICHAEL: Well, I dont really know her, but, yeah.
MARLEY:[Baiting] What about cute?
MICHAEL: Yeah, she's cute. [He frowns]
MARLEY: Well, she thinks you're cute too.
MICHAEL: She....does? [He looks after her, frowns]
MARLEY: She likes you a lot. But she didn't know if you liked her, so I said I'd find out.
MICHAEL: So, you don't really think she's stuck up.
MARLEY: Oh, she's a doll. You know, I never heard you say you liked a girl before.
MICHAEL: Well, I...
MARLEY: In fact... I've never heard you say anything about girls. You... like girls, don't you?
MICHAEL: Sure, uh... [He frowns, shakes his head a bit]
MARLEY: So you'll come with us after work tonight. We're taking her out for a drink.
MICHAEL: I don't think I can. I...
MARLEY: Ah! No excuses. Shoeless Joe's, 7:30. [She messes with his hair] And....do something about your hair.
[Cut to the gym. Michael is doing sit-ups, frustrated. Turn It Round by Courtesy of Mastersource plays.]
MICHAEL: It was a trap. [The shot widens to show Ted and Emmett]
EMMETT: Hey, see that number in the red shorts. [A shot of a hot guy lifting weights]
TED: I could work out for 100 years and never look like that.
MICHAEL: Pretending she didn't like her, just to see what I'd say. [Closer on Emmett]
EMMETT: Shawn Peters. I went home with him the other night, thinking he was this brutal top.
TED: [To Emmett] And?
MICHAEL: [Thinking Ted is talking to him] And I fell for it!
EMMETT: Turns out he's a big nelly bottom. [Ted and Emmett laugh]
TED: I could have told you that. [Michael's still doing sit ups. He shakes his head]
EMMETT: Aww, it's so discouraging. Are there no real men left?
MICHAEL: And now they're expecting me to meet them
TED: [To Emmett] In Steroid City?
MICHAEL: No, in this straight bar. Is there anyone here listening?
EMMETT: There's this new girl at work who's interested in you. Fat Marley tricked you into meeting her and some of the others for a drink after work, and now you have to go, or they might suspect. [To Ted] Check out Mr. Pec-Deck. So what... if they do?
TED: They could fire him.
MICHAEL: Or I could end up an assistant manager the rest of my life.
EMMETT: And the solution is to pretend you like pussy?
TED: Ah, look, he's not like you, okay?
EMMETT: What is that supposed to mean?
TED: Meaning he's not an obviously gay man.
EMMETT: Are you accusing me of being obvious?
TED: If the fuck-me pump fits.... [Emmett scoffs and drops his weights, putting his hands on his hips.]
EMMETT: Well, I could be a... a r-real mean, if I wanted to. [Michael stops and looks at him incredulously] You know, just lower my voice, [He gestures] stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless. Never, never use words like...like fabulous or divine, talk about, I don't know, nailing bitches and RBIs. [He puts his arms up in flourish] But I'd rather my flame burn bright, than be some puny, little pilot light.
TED: And a fabulous flame it is.
EMMETT: Thank you.
TED: Yeah. [Michael resumes his sit-ups] But Michael is out there in the straight world. And believe me, it isn't easy. You do what you have to do.
MICHAEL: [Panting] I better go change.
EMMETT: For your big date? [Michael stands up and looks at him, annoyed. Emmett spots something] Ooh, here's a sports mag. Better bone up. Just in case the conversation veers away from Liza's weight problem.
[Michael rolls his eyes and takes the sports mag, turning and leaving. Emmett finger-waves after him. Cut to Justin's house. He is going through his closet. His mom is standing in the doorway.]
JENNIFER: Justin, did you hear me? I said, you're not going.
JUSTIN: [Snorts] I'm going.
JENNIFER: You were just there last night.
JUSTIN: So what?
JENNIFER: So, I was planning to take you and your sister out for pizza. You...[He throws a shirt, it hits her in the face.] You know, I expect you to clean up this mess. I don't understand why you have to spend all your time with Daphne. [Justin chooses a shirt and walks out of the closet.She follows him.] Of all the beautiful clothes your father and I bought for you, you have to pick something that no longer fits. That is too tight.
JUSTIN: [Packing things in his back pack and picking it up] That's why. [He walks past her, out the door.]
JENNIFER: Justin? [He turns, annoyed] Don't I get a kiss goodbye? [He sighs, and walks over, kissing her on the cheek, then jerks out of her grip and hurries out.] I expect you to call!
[She begins to pick up the laundry and things on his bed. She picks up a jockstrap and stops, realizing that it is not his. She stares out. Cut to Brian and Michael in Brian's Jeep. Michael is flipping through the sports mag.]
MICHAEL: We need a secret code word, like "shazam", so that if I get in a tight spot, you can come in and rescue me.
BRIAN: A tight spot. How about "buttplug"?
MICHAEL: "Buttplug" might be a little hard to work into a conversation.
BRIAN: Because that's what you are, pretending you're of them.
MICHAEL: I couldn't help it.
BRIAN: Oh, you could've told her the truth, instead of acting like a scared, little faggot. You should have just said, "I take it up the ass, sweetheart. Deal with it."
MICHAEL: Right. Right. By the way, I noticed you got the Jeep repainted. [Brian rolls his eyes and chuckles.]
[Cut to the Jeep stopping in front of Shoeless Joe's. Michael sighs deeply and opens the door.]
MICHAEL: Oh my god, this place is like breeder central. [He sits back in the seat, freaking out] Buttplug, buttplug, buttplug, butt... [Brian shoves him out. He shuts the door and leans over, staring at Brian, annoyed.]
BRIAN: See you, Mikey. [He drives away, leaving Michael staring after him, annoyed. Mixed chatter. Michael rifles through the sports mag. Louisiette by Prairie Oyster plays. A shot of a television. The game is on. Camera pans with a waitress, then shows Michael entering the bar, looking around. Quick zoom around him, then to a straight couple sharing beers.]
MARLEY: Michael! Michael! [He looks] Where you been? We thought you got lost.
MICHAEL: Some, uh, last minute business.
MARLEY: Slide it on in. Harv, move your hairy ass. [Another man chuckles. Harv makes a face and moves so Michael can sit next to Tracey.]
MICHAEL: Thanks.
HARV: What'll you have?
MICHAEL: Uh...same as everybody else.
MARLEY: Good choice. [To a waitress] Uh, bring over another pitcher.
MICHAEL: [To Tracy] Hi.
TRACY: Hi. Glad you could make it.
MARLEY: I told you he'd be here. Didn't I? Not to worry?
TRACY: I wasn't worried.
MARLEY: Now just make sure he's not seeing anyone, before you get all lovey-dovey. [She giggles]
HARV: Marley, would you shut up and leave 'em alone?
MARLEY: What?
[Michael looks at Tracy, who looks at him.]
TRACY: You're not seeing anyone, are you?
MICHAEL: Me? No.
TRACY: Well that's good. I mean...
MICHAEL: I understand. You don't want to get involved with someone if they're involved already. [He nods and smiles] So are you?
TRACY: Seeing anyone? No. We just broke up.
MICHAEL: Oh. Sorry.
TRACY: Oh, don't be. He was a real doofus. Only I didn't know it at the time. There's so much you don't know at the time.
MICHAEL: Isn't that the truth. [Laughing]
TRACY: Like, can you believe, he... he didn't even know how to fix a sink? [The others chuckle in sympathy. Michael makes what he thinks is the appropriate face.]
MICHAEL: Really.
TRACY: He called me at work saying, "What should I do?" I said, "I don't care what you do. Buy some cement. Get a cork. Use chewing gum. But plug it up!"
[All laugh]
MICHAEL: [Partly to himself] But plug it...[He laughs. Tracy looks at him.] Buttplug. [He gives a little helpless laughter. They all stare. Cut to Brian. He has a pen in his mouth.]
BRIAN: A million dollars. [He takes the pen out of his mouth.]
MELANIE: That's the general idea. [He turns.]
BRIAN: [Loudly] A million fucking dollars.
LINDSAY: Brian, please. You'll wake the baby.
BRIAN: Well, the answer's no. Definitely not. [He tosses the paper on the table]
MELANIE: [Scoffing] Huh, I don't understand the problem. I mean, Lindsay told me you offered to help support him. [She looks at Lindsay]
LINDSAY: It was very generous.
BRIAN: Well, that's different than a life insurance policy. [He moves to sit down on the couch. Melanie moves to sit on the other side of Lindsay]
MELANIE: It's simply in case something happens to you.
BRIAN: Like I'm decapitated at a railroad crossing? Or burned beyond recognition in some gas explosion? You know, I can just imagine the grisly deaths you've conjured up for me.
MELANIE: Like in case you get sick. [Brian stops. He stares, blinks, then smiles tightly.]
BRIAN: Ah. [He looks at her] Even better.
MELANIE: Considering your life. I mean, when's the last time you were tested?
BRIAN: [Looking at her. Pissed now.] Six months ago. I was negative.
MELANIE: That's 26 weeks and 182 one-night stands.
BRIAN: You know, I've always admired people who can multiply in their heads. (Staring at her, firmly) And I'm always careful.
LINDSAY: Look, this isn't for us. It's for our son. We need to make sure he'll be provided for.
BRIAN: And all I have to do is die.
MELANIE: [Picking up the papers] Hopefully not before you sign these papers. [She smiles. He looks at her. Cut to the bar. Everyone is laughing]
MARV: We wont be laughing come Superbowl time, when we're up against the Titans.
MAN: We don't stand a chance.
MARLEY: Don't say that.
TRACY: We've got to believe. Right, Mike?
MICHAEL: Like Cher! [Everyone stops and looks at him]
MAN: You watch football? [Liar Song by Michael Chase plays]
MICHAEL: Constantly.
MAN: [Chuckling] So, Uh... what do you think?
MICHAEL: What do I think? I think...due to free agency, we've lost some of our best players. Still, our defense is strong, but we need a new scheme from our defensive coordinator to move the ball. [The man looks impressed. So does everybody else.]
MAN: [Chuckling] That's just what I say. [Everyone laughs. Tracy kisses Michael's head. He takes a gulp of beer. His cell phone rings. He picks it up and turns around in the seat]
MICHAEL: [Answering the phone] Hello, sports fans. [A shot of Brian driving in his car.]
BRIAN: I'm coming to get you.
MICHAEL: [Looking behind him at the group.] It's okay. I'm having really good time. She's really, really nice.
BRIAN: [Frowning] She's really nice? Do you think she and her friends would be really nice if they knew the little charade you were playing? They'd probably tie you to a fence and bash your brains in.
MICHAEL: [Frowning, surprised] They're not like that.
BRIAN: [Smiling angrily.] Not like that, huh? [over Michael's phone] Listen to me, Mikey. Are you listening?
MICHAEL: [Frowning slightly] Yeah, I'm listening.
BRIAN: [Very serious. Nearly grinding his teeth.] There's only two kinds of straight people in this world; the ones that hate you to your face, and the ones that hate you behind your back. [Over Michael's phone] Now get the fuck out of there... [Shot of him in his car. Very sharp and firmly] Because I need you.
[He slams his cell phone shut. Michael looks at his phone. Beep of disconnect. He looks at the group behind him. Cut to another bar. Emmett is singing karaoke.]
EMMETT: [Singing] How I was gonna change, but I'm not If you keep doing things that I don't [Micheal and Brian walk in. Brian has his arm over Michael's shoulder. Both are smiling.] You better think.
OTHER: Think! [A shot of Emmett onstage, singing and dancing]
EMMETT: Think about what you're trying to do to me, yeah. [A silhouette shot as Brian puts his head against Michael's] Think.
OTHERS: Think! [Audience points at Emmett]
EMMETT: Let your mind go, let yourself be free.
TED: [Pointing at the stage] Oh yeah!
EMMETT: Yeah-h-h-h! [He is gyrating his hips with one hand in the air. The audience has their hands up.Michael and Brian are smiling. Brian looks around. His smile falls when he sees Justin. Justin turns around and sees him]
JUSTIN: [Smiling] Hi.
BRIAN:[To Michael] Oh shit, just what I need, what's-his-name.
MICHAEL: Justin. His name's Justin. [Brian is walking away, Michael follows.] If I can remember it and I didn't even fuck him, why cant you?
BRIAN: [Looking at Michael] Because I did. [Michael walks away. Brian turns to Justin] So, Dawson, how are things down at the creek?
[The crowd is cheering. A shot of Michael walking to join Ted.]
EMMETT: Thank you, Pittsburgh. I love you. [Emmett glides across the stage.Two guys help him down. To Ted.] You know, for a skinny white boy, I make one fucking fabulous black woman! [Ted chuckles]
TED: How about another round, on me?
BRIAN: I got a better idea. Let's move on.
MICHAEL: What's wrong with here?
BRIAN: I've had everyone here.
TED:[Sarcastically] Yeah, my problem precisely. [Justin has joined the group]
MICHAEL: You haven't had me.
BRIAN: [Smiling] Oh yeah? [Michael looks at him]
TED: What? Y-you never told us.
MICHAEL: There's nothing to tell. [They all look at him. Mambo Lupita by Peer Music plays.]
BRIAN:[Smiling at the memory, then telling the story, serious] We were up in his room. [He puts his arm around Michael. Michael sighs] We were 14, 15 tops. We were supposed to be studying, whatever, only we're not. [A shot of the group listening intently.] We're looking at this trashy photo mag his mom swiped from the beauty parlor. [The group is watching. Justin smiles.] Anyway...there's this shot of Patrick Swayze from "Dirty Dancing"... [Close up on Justin's face. His eyes are slits, he's listening] without his shirt on.
TED: [Eyes closed] Ah-h-h-h.
EMMETT: Ah-ha-ha.
BRIAN: So I've got this hard on just from looking at it, and I glance over at Mikey, and guess what? [Everyone is listening. Emmett is smiling. Michael rolls his eyes. Brian smirks at the group.] He's got one too.
MICHAEL: Okay, you can stop now.
BRIAN: [Sucking his lips in, then continuing with his story] Twin stiffies. [Michael shakes his head. The group is listening intently.] I reach over, start rubbing it. [Michael is shaking his head. Brian looks at him] He's practically swooning. [He smiles, speaks sotto voice.] I pop it out, start stroking it, [He looks at Michael] nice and slow. We're both this close. Then... [Everyone is waiting, staring. He drops the act. Dryly.] His mom walks in without knocking. [Michael nods, smiling. They all laugh]
JUSTIN: They always do. Did she see you?
BRIAN:[Grinning] I don't see how she could have missed it.
MICHAEL: Only we didn't come, so it doesn't count. [Brian bites his lip and nods. A pause.]
JUSTIN: Oh, "Dirty Dancing". That's a really old movie.
BRIAN: [Looking at him, frowning] What?
JUSTIN: I said, that's a really old movie.
BRIAN: [Defensive] It's not that old.
JUSTIN: How old are you?
MICHAEL: [Rolling his eyes] Uh-oh. [Brian licks his lips. Ted rolls his eyes and exhales a puff of air. Emmett smiles]
BRIAN: How old do you think I am? [Justin shrugs. Brian stares at him, a slight sardonic smile on his lips.]
JUSTIN: 33? [Ted snorts. Emmett chuckles. Brian looks up and licks his lips.]
BRIAN: Fuck you! [Justin looks around]
MICHAEL: He's 29.
BRIAN: [To Michael, shoving him.] And fuck you too. What did you tell him for?
MICHAEL: Fair's fair.
TED: We all know what that means. In a few months, you'll be 30. Might as well be dead.
BRIAN: Hmm, well...[He puts his drink down.] You ought to know. You already are. [He leaves]
EMMETT: Oh, ho, ho, ho. [Ted makes a face]
[Cut to Liberty street. Brian is leaving Woody's. Michael follows him.]
MICHAEL: Oh, no you don't. Come back here. You're not sticking us with that kid. He's your responsibility. Now get back in there. [He grabs Brian's arm. Brian jerks away and turns around]
BRIAN: [Close, in Michael's face] You know, I'm getting a little sick of people telling me what's my responsibility. If Lindsay and Melanie want to go off and have a kid, that's their responsibility. If what's-his-name-- Justin-- wants to go out and pick up guys while he's still in high school, that's his responsibility. [Yelling] My responsibility is to myself. I dont owe anybody a goddamn thing.
MICHAEL: Calm down!
[Brian stares at Michael, breathing hard, then hugs him.]
BRIAN: I gotta go.
[Cut to Brian driving away in his Jeep. Emmet, Michael and Ted are leaving Woody's]
EMMETT: Anyone up for Babylon? [A shot of Justin leaving Woody's]
TED: I was thinking BoyToy. You know, I haven't been snubbed by a twinkie in weeks. [Michael is watching Justin come out of the bar. Emmett chuckles. They start to walk away.]
MICHAEL What about him? [They turn and look at Justin walking down the stairs]
TED: What about him? [The camera follows Justin walk down the steps and turn in the opposite direction from the group]
MICHAEL: Well, we cant just leave him here.
TED: It's not our problem.
MICHAEL: He's mine?
TED: No, Brian's your problem.
EMMETT: Let him clean up his own mess for a change.
TED: Don't waste your Friday night babysitting.
[Michael looks at them as they walk away, then looks at Justin who is standing on the street, looking a little lost. Justin looks at him. He looks away toward Ted and Emmett, sighing. Cut to the outside of the Liberty Diner. Dancin' (Like It's the Last Day of My Life by Mike Drury plays. The camera follows a guy in a rainbow shirt and ass-less chaps into the diner, and around to Michael and Justin sitting at the counter. Justin is taking off his jacket.]
JUSTIN: I came all the way here just to see him. He doesn't want anything to do with me. [He puts his chin on his arms. Michael looks at the counter]
MICHAEL: Yeah, well, the thing you got to know about Brian is...[Justin looks at him] He's not your boyfriend. Brian doesn't do boyfriends.
JUSTIN: Yeah, well, you weren't there when we were doing it. You don't know the things we did...how he kissed me. [Michael looks at him.] You don't know anything.
MICHAEL: I know this. Brian is a selfish prick who doesn't care about anyone but himself. If I were you, I'd just forget about him. [Justin looks at him sadly. Michael looks at the counter. Debbie walks over. She's wear a rainbow vest covered in buttons. Her red hair has a scrunchie in it.]
DEBBIE: Hiya, boys! Gettin' any tonight? [She chuckles. To Justin] I haven't seen you around here before.
MICHAEL: He's new.
DEBBIE: And cute. Every guy in the place has his eye on you tonight, sweetheart. [Justin looks around]
MICHAEL: Can we order?
DEBBIE: Shoot. Bet it'll be the first time tonight, am I right? [Chortling. Michael fake laughs with her, sarcastic]
MICHAEL: Ha-ha. I'll have the chicken-fried steak. No remarks. And uh, he'll have a bacon cheeseburger.
DEBBIE: Please.
MICHAEL: Please.
DEBBIE: [To Justin] You gotta keep your strength up, Sunshine. You cant cruise all night on an empty stomach. [She chuckles, pinches his cheek and slaps him, wagging her finger at him. She walks away. Justin turns to Michael]
JUSTIN: What a freak!
MICHAEL: Yeah, she takes some getting used to, but once you do, you cant help but love her.
DEBBIE: One chicken-fried steak with no remarks, coming up in a flash. [She smiles. He smiles at her.]
MICHAEL: Thanks, Mom. [Justin's grin falls]
DEBBIE: You're welcome, baby. [He kisses and hugs her. They both grin at Justin. He gives an embarrassed chuckle.]
[Cut to outside of the Liberty Diner. Justin and Michael are leaving.]
JUSTIN: You're like, so lucky.
MICHAEL: I am?
JUSTIN: Your mom's cool about you being gay. If mine found out, she'd kill me.
MICHAEL: At least it gives her a sense of purpose. I mean, without me, she'd be playing bingo instead of organizing pride marches and...handing out condoms. Do you need a ride?
JUSTIN: Uh, I borrowed a friend's car.
MICHAEL: Oh, you don't have a little Beemer of your own?
JUSTIN: I'm working on it.
MICHAEL: Just remember what I told you about Brian.
JUSTIN: If he's such a selfish prick, how come you're always following him around.
MICHAEL: I'm not always following him around. [Justin raises his eyebrows] We're best friends. We accept each other for who we are, no judgments, no obligations, no questions asked.
JUSTIN:[Smirking] You're just waiting for him to finish jerking you off.
MICHAEL: What?
JUSTIN: You never got off. That's why you're still hanging around after all these years.
MICHAEL: [Pissed off] Go on, chicken. Back to your coop. [Justin turns and walks away] And don't go looking for him. It'll just make things worse. [He stands there. Debbie exits the diner]
DEBBIE: Ready, Sweetie? [She smiles at him. He frowns and looks at Justin walking away. She follows his gaze.] Did he take off? [She looks at Michael and smiles] Just as well. He was a little too young for you. [Michael looks at her, eyes wide, annoyed] Hmm.
[He puts his arm around her and pulls her down the street. Cut to Lindsay, nursing Gus.]
MELANIE: Should I invite my cousin Rita?
LINDSAY: Which one's she?
MELANIE: You know.The one with the, uh, overbite who never approved of us?
LINDSAY: Oh, her. Might as well. She probably wont come anyway.
MELANIE: Oh....
LINDSAY: [To Gus] That's my good boy.
MELANIE: You know, it's funny. I used to see these women feeding their kids, and I'd think, "Ugh, what a turn-off." But watching you... [She shakes her head] It's beautiful.
LINDSAY: You cant believe how connected you feel.
[Melanie stares at Lindsay, then shakes her head and looks away. Lindsay looks up at her. She put Gus in his crib]
LINDSAY: Good night, sweetie.[She crawls over the bed to Melanie] Next time, we'll feed him together. You can give him my breast. [Melanie puts her hand on Lindsay's breast]
MELANIE: It's so full. [She pulls down Lindsay's shirt and kisses her breast, sucking on her nipple. They make out. Sighs of pleasure] I guess that's all we can do for now. [They get under the blankets] Oh, 34 guests. That's a lot.
LINDSAY: Not everyone will show.
MELANIE: Let's hope one in particular doesn't.
[She turns of the light. Cut to Brian's loft. Fast, shaky, distorted zoom to Brian on his computer, looking at a website.]
LINDSAY: I hope we weren't too hard on him.
MELANIE: Who? Brian?
LINDSAY: All that talk about the insurance. It almost sounded like we were hoping something might happen to him.
MELANIE: We're just being practical. I mean, he's the father, isnt he? It only makes sense that his son should be his beneficiary.
[Cut to Brian on the computer. Sounds of typing. He instant-messages someone "Is that a true 10 inches or is it digitally enhanced?]
LINDSAY: I'm just saying maybe we should have waited until he was over the initial shock. [Melanie rolls over, turns on the light]
MELANIE: Huh! What shock? You're the one who gave birth. All he did was show up with his latest trick.
LINDSAY: At least he showed up.
MELANIE: [Scoffs] Christ. It never ceases to amaze me.
LINDSAY: What?
MELANIE: The way you put up with his shit. [The sounds of a baby fussing]
LINDSAY: Shhh. I don't put up with it.
MELANIE: Like hell.
LINDSAY: I understand it...him.
MELANIE: What? That he's a bigger infant than his son?
LINDSAY: That he does exactly what he wants. No excuses, no apologies. I've always admired him for that.
MELANIE: Well, then you can put up with it. I don't have to. [She rolls over]
LINDSAY: Come on, let's go back to sleep....for an hour. [They turn off the light and lay back down]
[Cut to Brian in front of his computer. Shot from the side of Brian at the computer. He takes out a tape measure and holds it up to the screen. He smirks.]
BRIAN: Yes.
[Cut to Michael and Debbie walking to the house]
DEBBIE: So, you going out cruising after you drop me off?
MICHAEL: [Sarcastic] No. I've been invited to an all-night orgy.
DEBBIE: [Smiling at him] Whoo! Sounds hot. Hmm.
MICHAEL: If you must know, I am going back to my gay apartment, taking off my gay clothes, and getting into my gay bed.
DEBBIE: You're in a mood.
MICHAEL: It's goddamn Brian.
DEBBIE: What did he do this time?
MICHAEL: Never mind.
DEBBIE: I wish you wouldn't let him get to you. [She shakes her head] But he always does. That's why I keep hoping you'll meet someone.[She looks at him. He rolls his eyes, shakes his head. She cups his chine, then looks back at the house. All the lights are on.] Why are all the lights on? Something must be wrong with Vic. [They run into the house.] Vic? [Vic is sitting hunched over at the kitchen table] Baby? Is everything all right?
VIC: Just couldn't sleep. Hey, Mikey.
MICHAEL: Uncle Vic.
DEBBIE: Are you in pain?
VIC: [Taking off his glasses.] Yeah.
DEBBIE: Where? Tell me.
VIC: My wallet. [He shows her a piece of paper]
DEBBIE: Holy shit!
MICHAEL: What is it?
DEBBIE: It's the Mastercard bill from our...our trip to Italy.
VIC: First-class airline tickets, the Excelsior in Rome, the diamond and coral earrings I bought you in Capri. They're all here. The problem is, so am I.
DEBBIE: Don't say that. It's a miracle you're still alive.
VIC: It's a miracle how I'm gonna pay for all of this.
DEBBIE: [Raising an eyebrow, shrugging] Hustle? [She grins. He looks at her. They both start laughing. Michael looks between them. They hug each other. Michael heads upstairs to his old room.]
[Cut to Michael opening the door to his old room. Minimal Peach by Greek Buck plays. He walks into the room and shuts the door. The window curtains are blowing. He looks around. Close up of the curtains with Captain Astro on them. The camera spins around him.He looks at all the things on his walls, stops and stares at a picture of him and Brian in high school. Camera goes over a picture of Salvador Dali, action figures, etc. Close up on the photo. Michael opens up a wooden chest at the foot of his bed, and takes out an old magazine. He sits down on the bed and opens the magazine]
TEENAGE BRIAN'S VOICE: Patrick Swayze is so hot! [Michael closes his eyes with a smile and lies back with the magazine. He unbuckles his pants and starts jacking off.] Guess we'll have to take care of that.
[The camera goes to the curtains. Flashback. Brian is sitting next to Michael on Michael's bed. He whispers in Michael's ear.]
TEENAGE BRIAN: Patrick Swayze is so hot. [He takes the magazine from Michael's hands.]
TEENAGE MICHAEL: I've seen Dirty Dancing, like, five times.
TEENAGE BRIAN: What I wouldn't give to fuck him.
TEENAGE MICHAEL: Don't say that, Brian. [Brian smiles]
TEENAGE BRIAN: You're so pathetic. [They look at each other] First I'd unzip his fly. Then I'd pull out his king-sized boner. Play with it, real slow. [Michael looks at him.]
TEENAGE MICHAEL: Oh yeah? [Brian looks down.]
TEENAGE BRIAN: [Quietly] Hey, Mikey...[He smiles] You have a woody.
TEENAGE MICHAEL: I do not.
TEENAGE BRIAN: [Breathless] You do too. We'll have to do something about that. [He bites his lip, grins. He lies Michael down on his back and unbuttons his fly, starting to jerk him off.]
DEBBIE: Hi, babe! [Teenage Michael sits up. In the present, Michael sits up.]
MICHAEL: Ma! Cant you knock?
DEBBIE: [Picking up a box] I forgot to tell you we're having a yard sale, so if you want to throw anything out...[She looks at the photo of Patrick Swayze in Michael's hand] Oh, don't tell me you still have a crush on him!
[She leaves. Michael puts the magazine down and zips up his fly. Cut to Brian searching through a box of drugs.He pulls out a packet and smiles.He looks in the mirror, straightens his shirt and fluffs his hair, looks at himself sideways.]
BRIAN:[To his reflection] I'd fuck you. [The buzzing of a doorbell. Brian walks over to the intercom.] Top floor. Come on up.[He opens the door. Justin is standing there.] Christ.
JUSTIN: I'm sorry. I-I don't want to...
BRIAN: You can't just drop by unannounced.
JUSTIN: I just want to talk.
BRIAN: There's nothing to talk about.
JUSTIN: Please? I won't stay long. I...I'll just...can I?
BRIAN: No. [He looks up. A man walks up the stairs.] Oh, shit. [He lets the guy in, staring at him.]
MR. GOODFUK: The door was about to shut, so I...slipped in. [Brian's face is close. He watches him enter the loft. Justin watches too, pouting.] Penthouse. Not bad. Who's this?
BRIAN: No one.
JUSTIN: I have to see you.
BRIAN: I'm busy.
MR. GOODFUK: I don't mind a threesome, although he is kind of young.
BRIAN: He's also kind of leaving.
JUSTIN: Who's he?
BRIAN: Forgive me for not introducing you. Justin, this is Mr. Goodfuk. Mr. Goodfuk, may I present Justin.
MR. GOODFUK: Name's George.
BRIAN: Sorry. George Goodfuk.
JUSTIN: You don't even know him.
BRIAN: Well, I was hoping to get to. [He looks at Mr. Goodfuk, then back at Justin] Now why don't you just scamper on home?
[Justin stares at him, then turns and leaves. Brian looks at Mr. Goodfuk.]
BRIAN: He's my stalker.
MR. GOODFUK: That's wasn't very kind, [Mr. Goodfuk comes closer. Brian stares at him] sending him off, a kid that age, by himself at this time of night.
BRIAN: [Scoffing] Who are you? Father Goodfuk? [Mr. Goodfuk looks at him. Brian frowns.] Oh, all right. [He moves toward the door.] Make yourself comfortable. And dont... steal anything.
[Cut to Brian opening the street door of his apartment building. He's barefoot.]
BRIAN: Hey. Hey! [Justin is walking away, Brian follows] I just left a complete stranger alone in my apartment to come and talk to you, so dont run away from me. [He puts his hand on the car door, closing it. Justin looks at him.] We need to get something straight.
JUSTIN: [Looking straight ahead] You don't do boyfriends.
BRIAN: Oh. Mikey's been talking to you. [Justin turns to face him]
JUSTIN: You'll fuck anyone. He's ugly. You don't even know him.And I...I really thought...
BRIAN: Justin. [Justin stops] I've had you. [Justin stares at him, puppy-dog eyed] What happened last night... it was for fun. You wanted me and I wanted you. That's all it was.
JUSTIN: A fuck?
BRIAN: Well what did you think it was? [Justin looks at him, open-mouthed, then turns away.] Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking.[Justin looks at him. He stares Justin in the eyes] It's honest. It's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. [He sucks his lips in] Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in so they can get laid, and then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. [Sleep by Dandy Warhols plays. Justin looks down, sniffles] If that's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty little girl...and get married.
JUSTIN: That's not what I want. I want you.
BRIAN: You cant have me. I'm too o...you're too young for me. You're 17, I'm 28.
JUSTIN: 29.
BRIAN: [Smirking a little] All right. 29. [He stares at Justin.] All the more reason. [Justin looks at him. He has to look away.] Now go do your homework.
[He pushes off the car and backs away, still staring at Justin. Justin looks at him, then screws up his face against tears and turns away, wrenching open the car door. He gets in. Wide angle shot as the car starts. Brian is standing in the street. The car drives away. Brian stares after it, then very slowly turns and walks back to his apartment. Fade to black. End of episode two.]
Season One, Episode Two
Transcript under the cut.
Season One, Episode Two
[A computer screen. A man sits down and takes his shirt off.]
TED: Brian Kinney, a father?
MICHAEL(over the phone): It's true. I saw it happen with my own eyes.
TED: Talk about conceiving the inconceivable. Or is it the other way around?
MICHAEL: Would you give the guy a break?
[Camera pans slowly back from the computer screen. Ted puts a pen in his mouth]
EMMETT(Over the phone): Couldnt be any worse than my Daddy was.
[Shot through the doorway of Ted at his desk at work, chewing on a pen and watching the computer screen]
MICHAEL: Or mine. Not that I remember him.
TED: So what's next? PTA parent? Little league coach? Scoutmaster.
[Screen splits in two. The frame on the left is Ted at his desk, the frame the right is Michael walking through the store at work.]
MICHAEL: They dont allow queers in the scouts. They're afraid we'll induct new recruits.
[The screen splits again, into threes. Emmett is on top. He is fixing a mannequin's pants at Torso.]
EMMETT: I only go out with guys who've already enlisted. So, uh, who's he look like?
MICHAEL: Well, he's got Brian's eyes and mouth....and Lindsay's nose.
TED: [Rolling his eyes] Well, if he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble. [Emmett chuckles]
MICHAEL: You should see the pictures I took. He's so adorable. In one of them he's actually playing with himself.
TED: Who, Brian?
MICHAEL: No, the baby. [The camera changes to a full frame of Michael] Can you imagine, he's only been in the world about an hour, and already he's pulling his pud.
[A man behind Michael looks at him, stands and walks over.]
MAN: Excuse me.
MICHAEL: Yeah.
MAN: Can you tell me where men's jockey shorts are?
MICHAEL: Aisle four.
MAN: Thanks.
MICHAEL: Sure.
TED(over the phone): Well, that proves the theory. [A shot of Ted's face as he watches porn] We've all got dick on the brain, from womb to tomb.
EMMETT(Over the phone): Speak for yourself.
TED: I am. Yeah, go for it.
EMMETT: Are you watching that filthy website again?
TED: You cant believe this guy. He must be at least ten inches.
[A shot of Ted's boss walking in the doorway]
WERTSHAFTER: Ted? Ted.
[Ted slams his finger on the keyboard]
TED: Can I put you on hold one moment please? Yes, Mr. Wertshafter.
WERTSHAFTER: Have you finished going over the Gropnik returns?
TED: Oh, yes, sir. I just printed them out. [A shot of Ted's hand picking up a file. Under it is a photo of Michael, shirtless, smiling] There you are. Federal and state.
WERTSHAFTER: Thanks.
TED: You're welcome....Mr. Wertshafter. [He looks down and takes a breath. Close call. He picks up the phone again.] Sorry. The boss.
[The screen again splits into threes. Ted on the left, Michael on the right, Emmett on top. Emmett is fixing a mannequin's pants in the display window, on his knees in a suggestive position.]
MICHAEL: Shit! You better be careful.
EMMETT: The last thing you need is for him to catch you on CumQuick.com.
TED: Oh, please. That guy's so blind he's yet to figure out his wife's been boinking his business partner for the last five years. How do you think he's going to find out about me? Catch you later.
EMMETT: Later.
MICHAEL: Later.
[Screen goes to full frame of Ted as he hangs up the phone.]
MICHAEL(narrating): Remember that story we all read in high school, you know, the one about the prisoners chained in the cave? [Ted stares at the photo of Michael] Plato or whoever. All they could see were shadows on a wall, so after a while, they started thinking that was reality. [Camera slow pans away from Ted at his desk] Well, in a way, that's what Ted's like. It's been so long since he's had sex with someone he didnt download, he's forgotten that all those perfect bodies and perfect faces arent real. That no one's really there. That they're only...shadows. Than again, who ever got anal warts in a chat room?
[Cut to Michael at the store. He sees two men with their arms around each other. He watches them. A coworker is also watching]
COWORKER(whispering): Michael! [She makes a limp-wristed gesture and mouths "fags." She giggles, covering her mouth with her hand. Michael laughs, too. He is not out at work. The two men turn and look at him. He stops laughing. They drop their shopping baskets and leave. He looks at the floor. Cut to Brian's office. He is pitching an ad. Close up on his face.]
BRIAN: The difference between our beer and their beer is that our beer says "sex"... [Brian tosses a green apple in the air and catches it. A young man watches him. He looks at the young man, then at an older man.] not Clydesdales. [The young man looks to the side. A shot of Brian's hand catching the apple. The young man looks back.] If you want to be cool, if you want to be popular, if you want to get...laid...[A shot of an older woman. She smiles. The young man is fidgeting.] this is what you drink.
MAN: What about the model? Are you sure he isnt too, um...
[The man gestures. A shot of Brian's hand tossing the apple. It passes the ad. A shot of Brian's face as it passes. A shot of Brian's hand catching the apple.]
BRIAN: Gay? [The man nods. Brian licks his lips, turns to his audience] Ladies?
WOMAN: I wouldnt care if he was. I'd go to bed with him anyway. [Another woman giggles. The young man is staring at Brian. Brian turns to him.]
BRIAN: What do you think? [He bites into his apple. Quick, distorted zoom in on the young man's face. He is mezmerized.]
YOUNG MAN: I hadnt thought about it.
[A shot of Brian, chewing, lips wet with juice from his apple. Camera focuses on the ad behind him.]
[Cut to Justin in the boy's locker room.Freefall by Tom Third plays. Justin is finishing dressing, trying to discreetly check out the guys in the locker room. He is watching a football player, Chris Hobbes, number 68. He pretends to drop his books and picks them up, checking out guys in the showers. He watches as Chris Hobbes slaps another football player's ass, smiling. Cut to football practice. Grunts of the game]
COACH: Move. Move. You guys show some hustle out there. Let's go.
[Camera pans out to show Daphne and Justin sitting on the wall watching practice. Justin is drawing. Close up on his sketchbook. He is drawing the players.]
JUSTIN: Guess what I was doing last night.
DAPHNE: Sleeping, same as me?
JUSTIN: Having sex, all night, with that guy I met, Brian Kinney. We did it till six in the morning.[She looks at him] Well? Arent you shocked?
DAPHNE: [Shaking her head] Not really.
JUSTIN: Oh.
DAPHNEL: Well, I kinda figured that you're... [She gestures] you know. Even though you never told me.
JUSTIN: I'm telling you now. [She sighs]
DAPHNE: Want some of my veggie wrap? [He takes it from her, takes a bite.] So what was it like?
JUSTIN: [Grinning] Well, I started out as a tight end, but ended up a wide receiver. [She giggles. A shot of a player jogging toward them.]
PLAYERS: Ball. Ball.
COACH: Come on, where's your arm. Come on.
[Justin catches the ball and tosses it back]
PLAYER: Thanks. [He runs back to practice. Cut to Brian's office. The clients are leaving, they are shaking hands]
ASSISTANT:Thank you. Good to meet you.
BRIAN: Thank you.
ASSISTANT: Next time.
BRIAN: Thanks.
[The young man is still packing up. He looks at Brian. Brian looks slowly over at him, biting his lip.]
ASSISTANT(Sing song): Uh, he's married.
BRIAN: Uh huh.
ASSISTANT: With two children.
BRIAN: Ah, a family man.
ASSISTANT: [Scoffing] Huh! [The young man walks over to them]
YOUNG MAN: Excuse me. Could you, uh, tell me where the men's room is?
ASSISTANT: Yeah, it's just down the hall and to the left.
YOUNG MAN: Thanks [He smiles, nods, looks at Brian. They watch him leave.]
BRIAN: That's a long trip. [She scoffs] He could get lost. [He takes a few steps forward]
ASSISTANT: [over his shoulder] I'm sure you'll show him the way.
[Cut to Saint James' Academy. Daphne is biting into a red apple. Justin is talking.]
JUSTIN: There I was on my back. And there he was on top of me, slipping it in. [Daphne makes a face]
DAPHNE: That must've hurt. Didnt it hurt?
JUSTIN: Yeah, at first it felt like someone was shoving a broom up there. But, I told him to go slower, and he did. Then I stopped thinking about it when I saw his face. His eyes were closed. [He smiles at the memory] His mouth was open in a sort of smile. Like he was in another place. A beautiful place. [He looks sideways at her.] That place was me. [She snorts] And his body. God! Like his body was so amazing. I could see every muscle. He said he wanted to stay inside me forever, and I wanted him to. [He looks out in the distance, remembering. She looks out too.] I still feel him, like, he's still there. Christ, Daphne, everybody talks about having sex. [He grins] But I really did it.
[Cut to the bathroom at Brian's office. The young man is standing at a urinal at the end. Brian comes in and stands at the one beside him. The sound of a belt, opening of a zipper, a sniffle. A shot of Brian's face from the side. The young man is in the foreground, out of focus.]
BRIAN: I had to piss during that whole pitch. Didnt think I could hold it. [The young man looks at him, smiles]
YOUNG MAN: Your presentation was very impressive.
BRIAN: Think so? [He looks down suggestively, then away. The young man looks down, then back up, smiling.]
YOUNG MAN: Yeah, it was very impressive.
BRIAN: Well, I'm glad you liked it, because that's what we're here for. [He looks at him sideways.] To please the client.
[Cut to Justin and Daphne walking home.]
DAPHNE: So, like, what is he now? Your boyfriend? [Justin chuckles]
JUSTIN: We just met.
DAPHNE: Well...do you love him?
JUSTIN: I dont know. Yeah, I love him.
DAPHNE: Does he love you?
JUSTIN: He said he did.
DAPHNE: When?
JUSTIN: Well, when he was about to shoot. [She giggles] He was moving really fast, and he let out this groan like nothing I'd ever heard before. And that's when he said it. Right when he came. He said, "I love you." Then he leaned in and kissed me.
[Cut to the bathroom. The young man and Brian are washing their hands. Brian is balling up a paper towel. The young man clears his throat. Brian looks at him in the mirror and tosses the paper towel away without looking.]
YOUNG MAN: Well, I guess we better be getting back.
BRIAN: Yeah, I guess so. [The young man holds out his hand.]
YOUNG MAN: Well, it's been a pleasure. [Brian looks at the hand]
BRIAN: It can be even more of one.
YOUNG MAN: Excuse me?
[They stare at each other. Brian moves forward. He takes the young man by the collar and pulls him into a stall. He slams the door. The sign changes from VACANT to OCCUPIED. Camera pans from Brian's hands undoing the young man's belt to his face.]
BRIAN: You know, I'm never wrong.
YOUNG MAN: Huh?
BRIAN: Oh, nothing, buddy. [He has the young man by the chin. He moves to kiss him. The young man stops him]
YOUNG MAN: I-I dont kiss. [A shot of Brian's hand pulling off the young man's belt]
BRIAN: Yeah, right.
[He kisses him. A shot of the man's face as Brian kisses up his chest. A shot from above as Brian turns him around, put the young man's hands on the top of the stall, bites his ear.]
[Cut to Michael's store. Michael's coworker, Tracy, is smiling.Michael is standing behind a register with another coworker, Marley.]
TRACY: Mr. Novotny?
MICHAEL: Mike.
TRACY: Mike. [She leans against the counter] I was wondering if...well, you know those boxes you wanted me to move.
MICHAEL: Mm-hmm.
TRACY: I mean, I dont want to seem like I'm shirking or anything, but they're kind of heavy. Do you think one of the guys could maybe give me a hand?
MICHAEL: Yeah, no problem. I can get somebody to help you.
TRACY: Oh, that'd be great. Okay. I'll be over on aisle 14.
MICHAEL: Okay.
TRACY: Okay. [A shot of her walking away.]
MARLEY: Yes, your majesty. Somebody should tell her Princess Di is dead, and they're not looking for a replacement.
MICHAEL: The boxes are heavy. And there's nothing wrong with asking for help. I... I think she's kind of sweet, actually.
MARLEY: You think she's sweet?
MICHAEL: Well, I dont really know her, but, yeah.
MARLEY:[Baiting] What about cute?
MICHAEL: Yeah, she's cute. [He frowns]
MARLEY: Well, she thinks you're cute too.
MICHAEL: She....does? [He looks after her, frowns]
MARLEY: She likes you a lot. But she didn't know if you liked her, so I said I'd find out.
MICHAEL: So, you don't really think she's stuck up.
MARLEY: Oh, she's a doll. You know, I never heard you say you liked a girl before.
MICHAEL: Well, I...
MARLEY: In fact... I've never heard you say anything about girls. You... like girls, don't you?
MICHAEL: Sure, uh... [He frowns, shakes his head a bit]
MARLEY: So you'll come with us after work tonight. We're taking her out for a drink.
MICHAEL: I don't think I can. I...
MARLEY: Ah! No excuses. Shoeless Joe's, 7:30. [She messes with his hair] And....do something about your hair.
[Cut to the gym. Michael is doing sit-ups, frustrated. Turn It Round by Courtesy of Mastersource plays.]
MICHAEL: It was a trap. [The shot widens to show Ted and Emmett]
EMMETT: Hey, see that number in the red shorts. [A shot of a hot guy lifting weights]
TED: I could work out for 100 years and never look like that.
MICHAEL: Pretending she didn't like her, just to see what I'd say. [Closer on Emmett]
EMMETT: Shawn Peters. I went home with him the other night, thinking he was this brutal top.
TED: [To Emmett] And?
MICHAEL: [Thinking Ted is talking to him] And I fell for it!
EMMETT: Turns out he's a big nelly bottom. [Ted and Emmett laugh]
TED: I could have told you that. [Michael's still doing sit ups. He shakes his head]
EMMETT: Aww, it's so discouraging. Are there no real men left?
MICHAEL: And now they're expecting me to meet them
TED: [To Emmett] In Steroid City?
MICHAEL: No, in this straight bar. Is there anyone here listening?
EMMETT: There's this new girl at work who's interested in you. Fat Marley tricked you into meeting her and some of the others for a drink after work, and now you have to go, or they might suspect. [To Ted] Check out Mr. Pec-Deck. So what... if they do?
TED: They could fire him.
MICHAEL: Or I could end up an assistant manager the rest of my life.
EMMETT: And the solution is to pretend you like pussy?
TED: Ah, look, he's not like you, okay?
EMMETT: What is that supposed to mean?
TED: Meaning he's not an obviously gay man.
EMMETT: Are you accusing me of being obvious?
TED: If the fuck-me pump fits.... [Emmett scoffs and drops his weights, putting his hands on his hips.]
EMMETT: Well, I could be a... a r-real mean, if I wanted to. [Michael stops and looks at him incredulously] You know, just lower my voice, [He gestures] stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless. Never, never use words like...like fabulous or divine, talk about, I don't know, nailing bitches and RBIs. [He puts his arms up in flourish] But I'd rather my flame burn bright, than be some puny, little pilot light.
TED: And a fabulous flame it is.
EMMETT: Thank you.
TED: Yeah. [Michael resumes his sit-ups] But Michael is out there in the straight world. And believe me, it isn't easy. You do what you have to do.
MICHAEL: [Panting] I better go change.
EMMETT: For your big date? [Michael stands up and looks at him, annoyed. Emmett spots something] Ooh, here's a sports mag. Better bone up. Just in case the conversation veers away from Liza's weight problem.
[Michael rolls his eyes and takes the sports mag, turning and leaving. Emmett finger-waves after him. Cut to Justin's house. He is going through his closet. His mom is standing in the doorway.]
JENNIFER: Justin, did you hear me? I said, you're not going.
JUSTIN: [Snorts] I'm going.
JENNIFER: You were just there last night.
JUSTIN: So what?
JENNIFER: So, I was planning to take you and your sister out for pizza. You...[He throws a shirt, it hits her in the face.] You know, I expect you to clean up this mess. I don't understand why you have to spend all your time with Daphne. [Justin chooses a shirt and walks out of the closet.She follows him.] Of all the beautiful clothes your father and I bought for you, you have to pick something that no longer fits. That is too tight.
JUSTIN: [Packing things in his back pack and picking it up] That's why. [He walks past her, out the door.]
JENNIFER: Justin? [He turns, annoyed] Don't I get a kiss goodbye? [He sighs, and walks over, kissing her on the cheek, then jerks out of her grip and hurries out.] I expect you to call!
[She begins to pick up the laundry and things on his bed. She picks up a jockstrap and stops, realizing that it is not his. She stares out. Cut to Brian and Michael in Brian's Jeep. Michael is flipping through the sports mag.]
MICHAEL: We need a secret code word, like "shazam", so that if I get in a tight spot, you can come in and rescue me.
BRIAN: A tight spot. How about "buttplug"?
MICHAEL: "Buttplug" might be a little hard to work into a conversation.
BRIAN: Because that's what you are, pretending you're of them.
MICHAEL: I couldn't help it.
BRIAN: Oh, you could've told her the truth, instead of acting like a scared, little faggot. You should have just said, "I take it up the ass, sweetheart. Deal with it."
MICHAEL: Right. Right. By the way, I noticed you got the Jeep repainted. [Brian rolls his eyes and chuckles.]
[Cut to the Jeep stopping in front of Shoeless Joe's. Michael sighs deeply and opens the door.]
MICHAEL: Oh my god, this place is like breeder central. [He sits back in the seat, freaking out] Buttplug, buttplug, buttplug, butt... [Brian shoves him out. He shuts the door and leans over, staring at Brian, annoyed.]
BRIAN: See you, Mikey. [He drives away, leaving Michael staring after him, annoyed. Mixed chatter. Michael rifles through the sports mag. Louisiette by Prairie Oyster plays. A shot of a television. The game is on. Camera pans with a waitress, then shows Michael entering the bar, looking around. Quick zoom around him, then to a straight couple sharing beers.]
MARLEY: Michael! Michael! [He looks] Where you been? We thought you got lost.
MICHAEL: Some, uh, last minute business.
MARLEY: Slide it on in. Harv, move your hairy ass. [Another man chuckles. Harv makes a face and moves so Michael can sit next to Tracey.]
MICHAEL: Thanks.
HARV: What'll you have?
MICHAEL: Uh...same as everybody else.
MARLEY: Good choice. [To a waitress] Uh, bring over another pitcher.
MICHAEL: [To Tracy] Hi.
TRACY: Hi. Glad you could make it.
MARLEY: I told you he'd be here. Didn't I? Not to worry?
TRACY: I wasn't worried.
MARLEY: Now just make sure he's not seeing anyone, before you get all lovey-dovey. [She giggles]
HARV: Marley, would you shut up and leave 'em alone?
MARLEY: What?
[Michael looks at Tracy, who looks at him.]
TRACY: You're not seeing anyone, are you?
MICHAEL: Me? No.
TRACY: Well that's good. I mean...
MICHAEL: I understand. You don't want to get involved with someone if they're involved already. [He nods and smiles] So are you?
TRACY: Seeing anyone? No. We just broke up.
MICHAEL: Oh. Sorry.
TRACY: Oh, don't be. He was a real doofus. Only I didn't know it at the time. There's so much you don't know at the time.
MICHAEL: Isn't that the truth. [Laughing]
TRACY: Like, can you believe, he... he didn't even know how to fix a sink? [The others chuckle in sympathy. Michael makes what he thinks is the appropriate face.]
MICHAEL: Really.
TRACY: He called me at work saying, "What should I do?" I said, "I don't care what you do. Buy some cement. Get a cork. Use chewing gum. But plug it up!"
[All laugh]
MICHAEL: [Partly to himself] But plug it...[He laughs. Tracy looks at him.] Buttplug. [He gives a little helpless laughter. They all stare. Cut to Brian. He has a pen in his mouth.]
BRIAN: A million dollars. [He takes the pen out of his mouth.]
MELANIE: That's the general idea. [He turns.]
BRIAN: [Loudly] A million fucking dollars.
LINDSAY: Brian, please. You'll wake the baby.
BRIAN: Well, the answer's no. Definitely not. [He tosses the paper on the table]
MELANIE: [Scoffing] Huh, I don't understand the problem. I mean, Lindsay told me you offered to help support him. [She looks at Lindsay]
LINDSAY: It was very generous.
BRIAN: Well, that's different than a life insurance policy. [He moves to sit down on the couch. Melanie moves to sit on the other side of Lindsay]
MELANIE: It's simply in case something happens to you.
BRIAN: Like I'm decapitated at a railroad crossing? Or burned beyond recognition in some gas explosion? You know, I can just imagine the grisly deaths you've conjured up for me.
MELANIE: Like in case you get sick. [Brian stops. He stares, blinks, then smiles tightly.]
BRIAN: Ah. [He looks at her] Even better.
MELANIE: Considering your life. I mean, when's the last time you were tested?
BRIAN: [Looking at her. Pissed now.] Six months ago. I was negative.
MELANIE: That's 26 weeks and 182 one-night stands.
BRIAN: You know, I've always admired people who can multiply in their heads. (Staring at her, firmly) And I'm always careful.
LINDSAY: Look, this isn't for us. It's for our son. We need to make sure he'll be provided for.
BRIAN: And all I have to do is die.
MELANIE: [Picking up the papers] Hopefully not before you sign these papers. [She smiles. He looks at her. Cut to the bar. Everyone is laughing]
MARV: We wont be laughing come Superbowl time, when we're up against the Titans.
MAN: We don't stand a chance.
MARLEY: Don't say that.
TRACY: We've got to believe. Right, Mike?
MICHAEL: Like Cher! [Everyone stops and looks at him]
MAN: You watch football? [Liar Song by Michael Chase plays]
MICHAEL: Constantly.
MAN: [Chuckling] So, Uh... what do you think?
MICHAEL: What do I think? I think...due to free agency, we've lost some of our best players. Still, our defense is strong, but we need a new scheme from our defensive coordinator to move the ball. [The man looks impressed. So does everybody else.]
MAN: [Chuckling] That's just what I say. [Everyone laughs. Tracy kisses Michael's head. He takes a gulp of beer. His cell phone rings. He picks it up and turns around in the seat]
MICHAEL: [Answering the phone] Hello, sports fans. [A shot of Brian driving in his car.]
BRIAN: I'm coming to get you.
MICHAEL: [Looking behind him at the group.] It's okay. I'm having really good time. She's really, really nice.
BRIAN: [Frowning] She's really nice? Do you think she and her friends would be really nice if they knew the little charade you were playing? They'd probably tie you to a fence and bash your brains in.
MICHAEL: [Frowning, surprised] They're not like that.
BRIAN: [Smiling angrily.] Not like that, huh? [over Michael's phone] Listen to me, Mikey. Are you listening?
MICHAEL: [Frowning slightly] Yeah, I'm listening.
BRIAN: [Very serious. Nearly grinding his teeth.] There's only two kinds of straight people in this world; the ones that hate you to your face, and the ones that hate you behind your back. [Over Michael's phone] Now get the fuck out of there... [Shot of him in his car. Very sharp and firmly] Because I need you.
[He slams his cell phone shut. Michael looks at his phone. Beep of disconnect. He looks at the group behind him. Cut to another bar. Emmett is singing karaoke.]
EMMETT: [Singing] How I was gonna change, but I'm not If you keep doing things that I don't [Micheal and Brian walk in. Brian has his arm over Michael's shoulder. Both are smiling.] You better think.
OTHER: Think! [A shot of Emmett onstage, singing and dancing]
EMMETT: Think about what you're trying to do to me, yeah. [A silhouette shot as Brian puts his head against Michael's] Think.
OTHERS: Think! [Audience points at Emmett]
EMMETT: Let your mind go, let yourself be free.
TED: [Pointing at the stage] Oh yeah!
EMMETT: Yeah-h-h-h! [He is gyrating his hips with one hand in the air. The audience has their hands up.Michael and Brian are smiling. Brian looks around. His smile falls when he sees Justin. Justin turns around and sees him]
JUSTIN: [Smiling] Hi.
BRIAN:[To Michael] Oh shit, just what I need, what's-his-name.
MICHAEL: Justin. His name's Justin. [Brian is walking away, Michael follows.] If I can remember it and I didn't even fuck him, why cant you?
BRIAN: [Looking at Michael] Because I did. [Michael walks away. Brian turns to Justin] So, Dawson, how are things down at the creek?
[The crowd is cheering. A shot of Michael walking to join Ted.]
EMMETT: Thank you, Pittsburgh. I love you. [Emmett glides across the stage.Two guys help him down. To Ted.] You know, for a skinny white boy, I make one fucking fabulous black woman! [Ted chuckles]
TED: How about another round, on me?
BRIAN: I got a better idea. Let's move on.
MICHAEL: What's wrong with here?
BRIAN: I've had everyone here.
TED:[Sarcastically] Yeah, my problem precisely. [Justin has joined the group]
MICHAEL: You haven't had me.
BRIAN: [Smiling] Oh yeah? [Michael looks at him]
TED: What? Y-you never told us.
MICHAEL: There's nothing to tell. [They all look at him. Mambo Lupita by Peer Music plays.]
BRIAN:[Smiling at the memory, then telling the story, serious] We were up in his room. [He puts his arm around Michael. Michael sighs] We were 14, 15 tops. We were supposed to be studying, whatever, only we're not. [A shot of the group listening intently.] We're looking at this trashy photo mag his mom swiped from the beauty parlor. [The group is watching. Justin smiles.] Anyway...there's this shot of Patrick Swayze from "Dirty Dancing"... [Close up on Justin's face. His eyes are slits, he's listening] without his shirt on.
TED: [Eyes closed] Ah-h-h-h.
EMMETT: Ah-ha-ha.
BRIAN: So I've got this hard on just from looking at it, and I glance over at Mikey, and guess what? [Everyone is listening. Emmett is smiling. Michael rolls his eyes. Brian smirks at the group.] He's got one too.
MICHAEL: Okay, you can stop now.
BRIAN: [Sucking his lips in, then continuing with his story] Twin stiffies. [Michael shakes his head. The group is listening intently.] I reach over, start rubbing it. [Michael is shaking his head. Brian looks at him] He's practically swooning. [He smiles, speaks sotto voice.] I pop it out, start stroking it, [He looks at Michael] nice and slow. We're both this close. Then... [Everyone is waiting, staring. He drops the act. Dryly.] His mom walks in without knocking. [Michael nods, smiling. They all laugh]
JUSTIN: They always do. Did she see you?
BRIAN:[Grinning] I don't see how she could have missed it.
MICHAEL: Only we didn't come, so it doesn't count. [Brian bites his lip and nods. A pause.]
JUSTIN: Oh, "Dirty Dancing". That's a really old movie.
BRIAN: [Looking at him, frowning] What?
JUSTIN: I said, that's a really old movie.
BRIAN: [Defensive] It's not that old.
JUSTIN: How old are you?
MICHAEL: [Rolling his eyes] Uh-oh. [Brian licks his lips. Ted rolls his eyes and exhales a puff of air. Emmett smiles]
BRIAN: How old do you think I am? [Justin shrugs. Brian stares at him, a slight sardonic smile on his lips.]
JUSTIN: 33? [Ted snorts. Emmett chuckles. Brian looks up and licks his lips.]
BRIAN: Fuck you! [Justin looks around]
MICHAEL: He's 29.
BRIAN: [To Michael, shoving him.] And fuck you too. What did you tell him for?
MICHAEL: Fair's fair.
TED: We all know what that means. In a few months, you'll be 30. Might as well be dead.
BRIAN: Hmm, well...[He puts his drink down.] You ought to know. You already are. [He leaves]
EMMETT: Oh, ho, ho, ho. [Ted makes a face]
[Cut to Liberty street. Brian is leaving Woody's. Michael follows him.]
MICHAEL: Oh, no you don't. Come back here. You're not sticking us with that kid. He's your responsibility. Now get back in there. [He grabs Brian's arm. Brian jerks away and turns around]
BRIAN: [Close, in Michael's face] You know, I'm getting a little sick of people telling me what's my responsibility. If Lindsay and Melanie want to go off and have a kid, that's their responsibility. If what's-his-name-- Justin-- wants to go out and pick up guys while he's still in high school, that's his responsibility. [Yelling] My responsibility is to myself. I dont owe anybody a goddamn thing.
MICHAEL: Calm down!
[Brian stares at Michael, breathing hard, then hugs him.]
BRIAN: I gotta go.
[Cut to Brian driving away in his Jeep. Emmet, Michael and Ted are leaving Woody's]
EMMETT: Anyone up for Babylon? [A shot of Justin leaving Woody's]
TED: I was thinking BoyToy. You know, I haven't been snubbed by a twinkie in weeks. [Michael is watching Justin come out of the bar. Emmett chuckles. They start to walk away.]
MICHAEL What about him? [They turn and look at Justin walking down the stairs]
TED: What about him? [The camera follows Justin walk down the steps and turn in the opposite direction from the group]
MICHAEL: Well, we cant just leave him here.
TED: It's not our problem.
MICHAEL: He's mine?
TED: No, Brian's your problem.
EMMETT: Let him clean up his own mess for a change.
TED: Don't waste your Friday night babysitting.
[Michael looks at them as they walk away, then looks at Justin who is standing on the street, looking a little lost. Justin looks at him. He looks away toward Ted and Emmett, sighing. Cut to the outside of the Liberty Diner. Dancin' (Like It's the Last Day of My Life by Mike Drury plays. The camera follows a guy in a rainbow shirt and ass-less chaps into the diner, and around to Michael and Justin sitting at the counter. Justin is taking off his jacket.]
JUSTIN: I came all the way here just to see him. He doesn't want anything to do with me. [He puts his chin on his arms. Michael looks at the counter]
MICHAEL: Yeah, well, the thing you got to know about Brian is...[Justin looks at him] He's not your boyfriend. Brian doesn't do boyfriends.
JUSTIN: Yeah, well, you weren't there when we were doing it. You don't know the things we did...how he kissed me. [Michael looks at him.] You don't know anything.
MICHAEL: I know this. Brian is a selfish prick who doesn't care about anyone but himself. If I were you, I'd just forget about him. [Justin looks at him sadly. Michael looks at the counter. Debbie walks over. She's wear a rainbow vest covered in buttons. Her red hair has a scrunchie in it.]
DEBBIE: Hiya, boys! Gettin' any tonight? [She chuckles. To Justin] I haven't seen you around here before.
MICHAEL: He's new.
DEBBIE: And cute. Every guy in the place has his eye on you tonight, sweetheart. [Justin looks around]
MICHAEL: Can we order?
DEBBIE: Shoot. Bet it'll be the first time tonight, am I right? [Chortling. Michael fake laughs with her, sarcastic]
MICHAEL: Ha-ha. I'll have the chicken-fried steak. No remarks. And uh, he'll have a bacon cheeseburger.
DEBBIE: Please.
MICHAEL: Please.
DEBBIE: [To Justin] You gotta keep your strength up, Sunshine. You cant cruise all night on an empty stomach. [She chuckles, pinches his cheek and slaps him, wagging her finger at him. She walks away. Justin turns to Michael]
JUSTIN: What a freak!
MICHAEL: Yeah, she takes some getting used to, but once you do, you cant help but love her.
DEBBIE: One chicken-fried steak with no remarks, coming up in a flash. [She smiles. He smiles at her.]
MICHAEL: Thanks, Mom. [Justin's grin falls]
DEBBIE: You're welcome, baby. [He kisses and hugs her. They both grin at Justin. He gives an embarrassed chuckle.]
[Cut to outside of the Liberty Diner. Justin and Michael are leaving.]
JUSTIN: You're like, so lucky.
MICHAEL: I am?
JUSTIN: Your mom's cool about you being gay. If mine found out, she'd kill me.
MICHAEL: At least it gives her a sense of purpose. I mean, without me, she'd be playing bingo instead of organizing pride marches and...handing out condoms. Do you need a ride?
JUSTIN: Uh, I borrowed a friend's car.
MICHAEL: Oh, you don't have a little Beemer of your own?
JUSTIN: I'm working on it.
MICHAEL: Just remember what I told you about Brian.
JUSTIN: If he's such a selfish prick, how come you're always following him around.
MICHAEL: I'm not always following him around. [Justin raises his eyebrows] We're best friends. We accept each other for who we are, no judgments, no obligations, no questions asked.
JUSTIN:[Smirking] You're just waiting for him to finish jerking you off.
MICHAEL: What?
JUSTIN: You never got off. That's why you're still hanging around after all these years.
MICHAEL: [Pissed off] Go on, chicken. Back to your coop. [Justin turns and walks away] And don't go looking for him. It'll just make things worse. [He stands there. Debbie exits the diner]
DEBBIE: Ready, Sweetie? [She smiles at him. He frowns and looks at Justin walking away. She follows his gaze.] Did he take off? [She looks at Michael and smiles] Just as well. He was a little too young for you. [Michael looks at her, eyes wide, annoyed] Hmm.
[He puts his arm around her and pulls her down the street. Cut to Lindsay, nursing Gus.]
MELANIE: Should I invite my cousin Rita?
LINDSAY: Which one's she?
MELANIE: You know.The one with the, uh, overbite who never approved of us?
LINDSAY: Oh, her. Might as well. She probably wont come anyway.
MELANIE: Oh....
LINDSAY: [To Gus] That's my good boy.
MELANIE: You know, it's funny. I used to see these women feeding their kids, and I'd think, "Ugh, what a turn-off." But watching you... [She shakes her head] It's beautiful.
LINDSAY: You cant believe how connected you feel.
[Melanie stares at Lindsay, then shakes her head and looks away. Lindsay looks up at her. She put Gus in his crib]
LINDSAY: Good night, sweetie.[She crawls over the bed to Melanie] Next time, we'll feed him together. You can give him my breast. [Melanie puts her hand on Lindsay's breast]
MELANIE: It's so full. [She pulls down Lindsay's shirt and kisses her breast, sucking on her nipple. They make out. Sighs of pleasure] I guess that's all we can do for now. [They get under the blankets] Oh, 34 guests. That's a lot.
LINDSAY: Not everyone will show.
MELANIE: Let's hope one in particular doesn't.
[She turns of the light. Cut to Brian's loft. Fast, shaky, distorted zoom to Brian on his computer, looking at a website.]
LINDSAY: I hope we weren't too hard on him.
MELANIE: Who? Brian?
LINDSAY: All that talk about the insurance. It almost sounded like we were hoping something might happen to him.
MELANIE: We're just being practical. I mean, he's the father, isnt he? It only makes sense that his son should be his beneficiary.
[Cut to Brian on the computer. Sounds of typing. He instant-messages someone "Is that a true 10 inches or is it digitally enhanced?]
LINDSAY: I'm just saying maybe we should have waited until he was over the initial shock. [Melanie rolls over, turns on the light]
MELANIE: Huh! What shock? You're the one who gave birth. All he did was show up with his latest trick.
LINDSAY: At least he showed up.
MELANIE: [Scoffs] Christ. It never ceases to amaze me.
LINDSAY: What?
MELANIE: The way you put up with his shit. [The sounds of a baby fussing]
LINDSAY: Shhh. I don't put up with it.
MELANIE: Like hell.
LINDSAY: I understand it...him.
MELANIE: What? That he's a bigger infant than his son?
LINDSAY: That he does exactly what he wants. No excuses, no apologies. I've always admired him for that.
MELANIE: Well, then you can put up with it. I don't have to. [She rolls over]
LINDSAY: Come on, let's go back to sleep....for an hour. [They turn off the light and lay back down]
[Cut to Brian in front of his computer. Shot from the side of Brian at the computer. He takes out a tape measure and holds it up to the screen. He smirks.]
BRIAN: Yes.
[Cut to Michael and Debbie walking to the house]
DEBBIE: So, you going out cruising after you drop me off?
MICHAEL: [Sarcastic] No. I've been invited to an all-night orgy.
DEBBIE: [Smiling at him] Whoo! Sounds hot. Hmm.
MICHAEL: If you must know, I am going back to my gay apartment, taking off my gay clothes, and getting into my gay bed.
DEBBIE: You're in a mood.
MICHAEL: It's goddamn Brian.
DEBBIE: What did he do this time?
MICHAEL: Never mind.
DEBBIE: I wish you wouldn't let him get to you. [She shakes her head] But he always does. That's why I keep hoping you'll meet someone.[She looks at him. He rolls his eyes, shakes his head. She cups his chine, then looks back at the house. All the lights are on.] Why are all the lights on? Something must be wrong with Vic. [They run into the house.] Vic? [Vic is sitting hunched over at the kitchen table] Baby? Is everything all right?
VIC: Just couldn't sleep. Hey, Mikey.
MICHAEL: Uncle Vic.
DEBBIE: Are you in pain?
VIC: [Taking off his glasses.] Yeah.
DEBBIE: Where? Tell me.
VIC: My wallet. [He shows her a piece of paper]
DEBBIE: Holy shit!
MICHAEL: What is it?
DEBBIE: It's the Mastercard bill from our...our trip to Italy.
VIC: First-class airline tickets, the Excelsior in Rome, the diamond and coral earrings I bought you in Capri. They're all here. The problem is, so am I.
DEBBIE: Don't say that. It's a miracle you're still alive.
VIC: It's a miracle how I'm gonna pay for all of this.
DEBBIE: [Raising an eyebrow, shrugging] Hustle? [She grins. He looks at her. They both start laughing. Michael looks between them. They hug each other. Michael heads upstairs to his old room.]
[Cut to Michael opening the door to his old room. Minimal Peach by Greek Buck plays. He walks into the room and shuts the door. The window curtains are blowing. He looks around. Close up of the curtains with Captain Astro on them. The camera spins around him.He looks at all the things on his walls, stops and stares at a picture of him and Brian in high school. Camera goes over a picture of Salvador Dali, action figures, etc. Close up on the photo. Michael opens up a wooden chest at the foot of his bed, and takes out an old magazine. He sits down on the bed and opens the magazine]
TEENAGE BRIAN'S VOICE: Patrick Swayze is so hot! [Michael closes his eyes with a smile and lies back with the magazine. He unbuckles his pants and starts jacking off.] Guess we'll have to take care of that.
[The camera goes to the curtains. Flashback. Brian is sitting next to Michael on Michael's bed. He whispers in Michael's ear.]
TEENAGE BRIAN: Patrick Swayze is so hot. [He takes the magazine from Michael's hands.]
TEENAGE MICHAEL: I've seen Dirty Dancing, like, five times.
TEENAGE BRIAN: What I wouldn't give to fuck him.
TEENAGE MICHAEL: Don't say that, Brian. [Brian smiles]
TEENAGE BRIAN: You're so pathetic. [They look at each other] First I'd unzip his fly. Then I'd pull out his king-sized boner. Play with it, real slow. [Michael looks at him.]
TEENAGE MICHAEL: Oh yeah? [Brian looks down.]
TEENAGE BRIAN: [Quietly] Hey, Mikey...[He smiles] You have a woody.
TEENAGE MICHAEL: I do not.
TEENAGE BRIAN: [Breathless] You do too. We'll have to do something about that. [He bites his lip, grins. He lies Michael down on his back and unbuttons his fly, starting to jerk him off.]
DEBBIE: Hi, babe! [Teenage Michael sits up. In the present, Michael sits up.]
MICHAEL: Ma! Cant you knock?
DEBBIE: [Picking up a box] I forgot to tell you we're having a yard sale, so if you want to throw anything out...[She looks at the photo of Patrick Swayze in Michael's hand] Oh, don't tell me you still have a crush on him!
[She leaves. Michael puts the magazine down and zips up his fly. Cut to Brian searching through a box of drugs.He pulls out a packet and smiles.He looks in the mirror, straightens his shirt and fluffs his hair, looks at himself sideways.]
BRIAN:[To his reflection] I'd fuck you. [The buzzing of a doorbell. Brian walks over to the intercom.] Top floor. Come on up.[He opens the door. Justin is standing there.] Christ.
JUSTIN: I'm sorry. I-I don't want to...
BRIAN: You can't just drop by unannounced.
JUSTIN: I just want to talk.
BRIAN: There's nothing to talk about.
JUSTIN: Please? I won't stay long. I...I'll just...can I?
BRIAN: No. [He looks up. A man walks up the stairs.] Oh, shit. [He lets the guy in, staring at him.]
MR. GOODFUK: The door was about to shut, so I...slipped in. [Brian's face is close. He watches him enter the loft. Justin watches too, pouting.] Penthouse. Not bad. Who's this?
BRIAN: No one.
JUSTIN: I have to see you.
BRIAN: I'm busy.
MR. GOODFUK: I don't mind a threesome, although he is kind of young.
BRIAN: He's also kind of leaving.
JUSTIN: Who's he?
BRIAN: Forgive me for not introducing you. Justin, this is Mr. Goodfuk. Mr. Goodfuk, may I present Justin.
MR. GOODFUK: Name's George.
BRIAN: Sorry. George Goodfuk.
JUSTIN: You don't even know him.
BRIAN: Well, I was hoping to get to. [He looks at Mr. Goodfuk, then back at Justin] Now why don't you just scamper on home?
[Justin stares at him, then turns and leaves. Brian looks at Mr. Goodfuk.]
BRIAN: He's my stalker.
MR. GOODFUK: That's wasn't very kind, [Mr. Goodfuk comes closer. Brian stares at him] sending him off, a kid that age, by himself at this time of night.
BRIAN: [Scoffing] Who are you? Father Goodfuk? [Mr. Goodfuk looks at him. Brian frowns.] Oh, all right. [He moves toward the door.] Make yourself comfortable. And dont... steal anything.
[Cut to Brian opening the street door of his apartment building. He's barefoot.]
BRIAN: Hey. Hey! [Justin is walking away, Brian follows] I just left a complete stranger alone in my apartment to come and talk to you, so dont run away from me. [He puts his hand on the car door, closing it. Justin looks at him.] We need to get something straight.
JUSTIN: [Looking straight ahead] You don't do boyfriends.
BRIAN: Oh. Mikey's been talking to you. [Justin turns to face him]
JUSTIN: You'll fuck anyone. He's ugly. You don't even know him.And I...I really thought...
BRIAN: Justin. [Justin stops] I've had you. [Justin stares at him, puppy-dog eyed] What happened last night... it was for fun. You wanted me and I wanted you. That's all it was.
JUSTIN: A fuck?
BRIAN: Well what did you think it was? [Justin looks at him, open-mouthed, then turns away.] Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking.[Justin looks at him. He stares Justin in the eyes] It's honest. It's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. [He sucks his lips in] Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in so they can get laid, and then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. [Sleep by Dandy Warhols plays. Justin looks down, sniffles] If that's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty little girl...and get married.
JUSTIN: That's not what I want. I want you.
BRIAN: You cant have me. I'm too o...you're too young for me. You're 17, I'm 28.
JUSTIN: 29.
BRIAN: [Smirking a little] All right. 29. [He stares at Justin.] All the more reason. [Justin looks at him. He has to look away.] Now go do your homework.
[He pushes off the car and backs away, still staring at Justin. Justin looks at him, then screws up his face against tears and turns away, wrenching open the car door. He gets in. Wide angle shot as the car starts. Brian is standing in the street. The car drives away. Brian stares after it, then very slowly turns and walks back to his apartment. Fade to black. End of episode two.]
