What Could Have Been

[nothing_rhymes_with_ianto]

Title: What Could Have Been
Author: qafkinnetic
Rating(s): PG
Pairing(s): Jack/Ianto
Warning(s): Spoilers for Children of Earth Day 4 and Day 5
Summary: Too often Jack imagines what might’ve happened if Ianto had stayed behind.

Too often Jack imagines what might’ve happened if Ianto had stayed behind.

He imagines saying “No, stay here. I’ll go on my own.” Imagines the hurt look on Ianto’s face, the betrayal in his eyes, the resignation with which he’d obey, unwilling to put more unwanted pressure on their strange, strained relationship. He imagines hurrying to Thames House, pushing his way in, confronting the 456. There was no way they’d have been able to do anything there in that room, that trap, no way they’d have been able to get out alive. He imagines Ianto’s devastation as he and the others watch his death and the massacre of the employees inside the Thames House over the broadcast on the computers. He imagines Ianto would be safe.

He imagines it would be Ianto kneeling over him in the ugly gym used as a morgue, Ianto holding him gently, helping him back into life. He imagines his blue eyes staring down at him, sad and betrayed and tired and loving and ever so old. He imagines one or the other of them uttering the words, the “I love you” that never really made it past desperation, and the other responding in kind. He imagines Ianto survived.

Sometimes, horribly, sadistically, shamefully, he imagines he’d taken Gwen with him to the house. Imagines shoving Ianto back down in the chair. “You can work computers better than Gwen. Stay here and talk to Lois. Monitor the systems. You know what to do. Rhys, take that laptop and go. One of us will contact you when we need you.”

He imagines Ianto’s reluctant nod. He imagines the transference of weaponry and tools between him and Gwen, the curt nod he’d give Jack, his eyes belying the apprehension and love and hurt. He imagines himself and Gwen storming into Thames House and demanding obedience from the 456. He imagines the destruction. He imagines awakening to two men, to Ianto’s arms around him and Rhys beside them, his around Gwen’s body. Somehow, in his imagination, he can’t bring himself to feel as guilty. Somewhere, he’s glad it wasn’t Ianto.

And that hurts him. But he can feel it in his gut, the guilt that he’d ever let Ianto leave the warehouse. He doesn’t know why Ianto had followed him so blindly that day, supported him so readily when they’d been so unstable before, when he’d only just revealed to his lover all the things he didn’t know and all the depths he might never learn of.

It hurts, because every time he hears Gwen’s voice on the phone, or secretly checks up on Rhiannon, he knows Ianto should have never left that warehouse.

Comments

[wanda1969.livejournal.com]

Now, this one did make me tear up!
I never really 'got on' with Gwen- I feel a bit like Jack, why didn't he take someone else? Trouble is he knew Gwen was pregnant and if Rhys had offered to go in her stead, he would have left a fatherless child. But, really, why did anyone else have to go? And if they did, there were protective Hazmat suits if Jack and Ianto had taken the time to seek them out in that adjacent room... Sorry, started ranting there!

[bk_forever]

Jack's right, Ianto shouldn't have gone. Really none of them should have - there was no way the aliens would back down, the whole confrontation was futile and a waste of time they didn't have, there was nothing to be gained from it and it just made Torchwood look stupid and ineffectual. In my head, the whole thing was a bad dream - not in the nightmare sense, but in that it made no sense.

[tardisjournal.livejournal.com]

Jack's not the only one who imagines these things. :(

[pharlap1.livejournal.com]

loved it