Be A Different Man

[nothing_rhymes_with_ianto]

Daphne's POV of the period of time when Justin was with Ethan. Justin has been changing for Ethan, changing in ways that go against what he used to believe. She doesnt like this new Justin, and wonders where her best friend is. Title taken from a lyric from the song Changes by David Bowie.

 

I used to think Justin was one of the smartest people I'd ever met. He's sweet and funny, and really fucking smart. I've known him since the third grade. He's always been my best friend. But sometimes I just wanted to shake him, hard. Or slap him. Or something. I mean, seriously? Ethan? What the fuck?

It was strange. I mean, when he first met Brian, Justin was totally infatuated with him. All he wanted was Brian, and he wouldn't stop until he got him. But after, after the bashing, he didn't just want Brian, he wanted roses and chocolate and heart and 'I love yous' and dates. What a girl. I thought I was a hopeless romantic, but Christ. Even I thought that was too much to ask, especially for Brian. Sometimes I wonder how much of a child Justin really is. I mean, you'd think he'd be more aware of reality and how life doesn't work that way after the bashing. But he wasn't.

And then he started saying that Brian didn't love him. He kept insisting that he was living at Brian's because Brian felt guilty, because Brian felt like he owed him, because Brian just needed someone to fuck on short notice. I wanted so badly to take him by the shoulders and scream at him "He loves you, goddamit! Have you seen the way he looks at you, talks to you? What he's done for you? Have you seen the way he touches you?"

But I didn't say it to him, and for some reason he couldn't or wouldn't see it any more. So he left. With Ethan. And I wanted to scream. I'm sure Brian did, too, but he didn't show it. He broke his own rules. I knew about the rules, I remember Justin gushing about the fact that Brian had agreed to them. And he broke the rules he had laid down, for Brian. I know I say he's my best friend, but what a fucking hypocrite! Especially since Brian loved him. I know. I saw his face at the Rage party when Justin left. I remember his hurting eyes, how he slid the mask of nonchalance back into place a little more crooked than before.

I don't get it. I really don't. I couldn't believe he'd give up Brian- who loved him so much- for Ethan. Seriously, he'd leave Brian for that greaseball?

The thing that got to me the most at first, though, was the fact that he continued to insist that Brian didn't love him, had never loved him in the first place. I wished he'd open his eyes and see. I didn't know Brian before Justin met him, but I know for a fact that he never fucked tricks twice before Justin, and he never did rules before Justin came along. Yes, I know all about the rules. Justin used to tell me everything. And Brian came to his prom. He saved his goddamn life, and broke into a million pieces there in that hospital. I remember. I was there. And then he pulled himself together as best he could and helped fix Justin. He paid for Justin's school, because he wanted to, not because he had to. He let Justin live with him, because he cared, not because he felt obligated. Was I the only one who could see that? I'm the only other person besides Brian who remembers that dance. I remember the love in Brian's eyes, the openness in his smile, the promise, though silent, that he was giving to Justin. I remember when it shattered. I knew that Brian was still trying to pull himself together, keep the pieces from flying apart. I just wished Justin could see that.

And then he started to change. Really change. He wasn't himself, and that didn't just scare the shit out of me. It made me sad. When we were in high school, he made the decision that he wasn't going to change who he was for anyone, anyone at all, and here he was, changing for Ethan.

He started to act snobby and pretentious. When he was with Brian, he was himself; perky, happy, hilarious, witty, and a total sex fiend. With Ethan, god, with Ethan he was so fucking fake. Even his smile was fake. I missed his genuine sunshine smile. He'd gush about romantic nights and music. He kept making references to Brahms and Mahler, Bach and Paganini. He and Ethan called each other endearing terms and were just sickeningly, artificially romantic. He didn't talk about being fucked into the mattress so hard he could feel it for days, instead he talked about "making love." Cheeseball stupid "romance" that was so juvenile and Hollywood it made me sick. The way he spoke even changed, the rhythm of his speech was different. I just want to cover my ears and go "Lalalala not listening!" and then ask him when the pod people invaded. Where was my best friend?

The worst thing is that when I talked about Woody's or someone mentioned Babylon, or Liberty Avenue, I could see the longing in his eyes. He missed his old life. He missed the place he was born to live in, the lifestyle he was born to lead, the crazy, drug-induced, flashing lights, beautiful, sweat-filled life. This pretentious art nook personality-draining, drone-producing, soft music and pale white walls and museum whisper gossip-talk wasn't his thing. And didn't I know it? I was there his first time at Babylon. I know he loved it. I know he'd never leave. But he did. And it was fucked, and so fucking annoying.

Seriously. And goddamn Ethan called me "Daph" all the time, like he'd known me for years. Sorry, but no. The people who called me Daph were Justin, September, my parents, and Brian if he was teasing me and Justin together. I felt totally insulted. I played nice, didn't want to offend Justin, but I ranted to September about it on the phone when I got home. It was just too weird and awful.

And Brian, god, Brian was a mess. I saw him a few times on Liberty Avenue, at the diner and stuff, and he looked so listless, like he was just numbly shoving through the slog of life, not feeling anything except hurt. And he always looked so weary, lines of sadness across his face and a staring pain in his eyes. One day at the diner, he noticed me and I went back to his loft with him. We smoked a bunch of weed and ate all his tortilla chips. He drank a whole bunch of Beam while we were hanging out. During the conversation, I accidentally mentioned Justin and he went all serious.

He told me things he said he'd never told Justin. We talked about him, just joking around, what we missed about him. I told him some stuff about when we were kids, he told me things he'd learned while Justin was living at the loft.

He kept drinking Jim Beam. I wasn't sure if I wanted to cut him off, because I knew the pain he was in. And then he started talking. Slurring a little, he told me that I was there, that I could understand. For a second I didn't know what he meant, then I realized. He was talking about the prom, the bashing. We were the only two people who really remembered the whole thing. We understood each other better. He told me that Justin was different, and he didn't know why. That he didn't understand why Justin made him feel like this. He said he couldn't do what he did at prom, he couldn't do it again because he didn't know what would happen. I knew he meant open up, be as vulnerable as he had been that night. He'd given Justin his heart that night, and both their hearts had shattered. He told me he couldn't say what Justin wanted to hear, because words are bullshit when it comes to things like that, and he thought he'd shown Justin just fine with his actions. He said he missed him, missed his shit all over the loft. He told me so much about himself, I know it was just drunken word spilling, everything running together and tumbling out from a brain thinking too hard, but I was pretty sure most of it was true.

I'd just about given up on Justin. He'd stopped calling me all the time, and the times we hung out (especially without Ethan as a third wheel) were becoming more and more infrequent. And then suddenly, he showed up at the door in tears, with cut up hands, and asked if he could stay. I tended to his hands, said he could. He told me he and Ethan broke up. I said I was sorry, but inside, I was jumping for joy and yelling my head off.

And then he moped. For a month. I wished I could play matchmaker and somehow make him and Brian meet accidentally and make up. But, that only happens in movies. So I waited, and watched him lounge listlessly in my living room, chain smoking and thinking. Finally he came to his senses and I just about died of happiness. Now I just need to talk to Brian, get him to take Justin back, and maybe things will be better for both of them.