nothing_rhymes_with_ianto | A Pain Too Lonely (Reply)

Title: A Pain Too Lonely
Author: qafkinnetic
Rating(s): PG-13
Warning(s): Spoilers for End Of Days
Summary: Owen is sick of the doubt. And he can't stand it any more.

“I’m sick of people doubting me!”

Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? That’s what hurts more than people thinking he’s a wanker, more than people telling him off for being rude, more than the thought that he was all alone in the world.

The pain that coiled inside is there because of their doubt. They never believed he could be a good doctor, never thought he was any smarter than the typical drunk bloke, never believed he had feelings, never thought he could do anything but snark and patch people up.

He remembers his mother screaming at him, hands raised to hit, “You’ll never amount to anything. You’re just like your bloody father! You won’t do any good for me or anyone else!”

He remembers Katie, confused after another lapse, crying softly as he held her and attempted comfort, “You can’t do anything. I know you’re a doctor, but even the experts are stumped. There’s nothing you can do.”

He remembers so many neighbors and schoolmates and teachers jeering at him or scolding him, drilling their doubt into him.

And now Jack, the team, the ones who were supposed to have his back and he is sick of it. He’s sick of hurting, sick of doubts, sick of losing more than he saves, sick of losing the ones he loves to things outside of his power. He can’t stand it any more.

And then he’s shaking, staring blankly at his leader lying prone on the floor and what has he done? Jack’s not coming back. Jack’s dead. Another one lost.

And he stands there, shaking, breaking.