Parce Mihi Domine Chapter 7

[nothing_rhymes_with_ianto]

Brian's feeling and thoughts from 1.22 through the end of 2.02. This is a gapfiller of sorts, and tells what happens in the month and a half or so when Justin was in the hospital.
(I know I stopped posting this one, but I wrote it a long time ago and I forgot that I had only 2 more chapters left to post! So here they are now, and then this one is done)

 

Brian yawned, trying to keep one eye on the road and one eye on the radio. It had been a long day at Ryder. He had spent most of it yelling into phones, and the rest of it yelling at staff and trying to fix their stupid fuck ups. He was glad to be going home. But he had to swing by the Taylors' house first. Pick up Justin. He turned on to their road and parked in front of the house.

The door swung open as soon as he knocked, a whirlwind Molly pushing past him to run outside. He watched her scramble into the car and wait, bouncing.

"Sorry." Jennifer apologized, picking up Molly's duffel of soccer equipment. "He's…he's in his room. I have to go. I'm sorry. Please don't stay in here too long." She watched him warily, gave him a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, then hurried out the door behind her daughter.

Brian stood still for a moment. It was odd to be alone in Justin's house. He'd only been there a few times before, and never had he been welcome or alone. He made his way up to Justin's room. The door was closed, so he knocked gently.

"Fuck off, Mom."

"I'm not your fucking mother."

"Brian?"

"Who the fuck do you think?" The door open. Justin's face was bright.

"I thought she was fucking with me when she said you were coming over. She told me she was going to let me live with you."

"Uh, yeah. She is. Let's get going." Justin's smile brightened further and he smiled, turning to pack some stuff into a duffel bag. He didn't need much, a lot of his stuff was scattered between Deb's and Brian's. Justin followed him out to the car and they drove in silence. Brian glanced over at the blonde several times, but Justin was sitting their, a gloating smile on his face. He giggled a little.

"She thought she could keep us apart." He put a hand to his eyes, then wagged his finger. "'I don't want you seeing my son any more.'" He mimicked. "We showed her."

Brian smiled a bit. Justin was being really annoying. "Would you shut up?"

"What for?"

"Because I said so, and because you sound like an immature brat."

"Well, maybe I am." Rebellious little twat. He didn't realize how much his mother loved him. He was lucky as hell to have that. Brian knew he sure as hell never even got a bit of love from Joan.

"Then you can get your ass out, and walk home. Right now." He watched the fear tumble through Justin's eyes, then quickly vanish. Justin looked at him.

"What is the matter with you?"

"She was trying to do the right thing. You don't know how lucky you are to have a mother like that." Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Justin think about this, then shrug.

"Now I get to stay with you. Yeeha!" He was grinning.

"Just until you get better."

"There's nothing wrong with me. Except for my gimp hand. Fucking Hobbes." And the anger. And the freaking out. And the not being able to be touched. But Brian didn't say any of that.

"Well, just don't think about it, alright?" He closed his eyes and tensed against the steering wheel. Why was he tell Justin not to think about when it was all he could think about?

"How come you're doing this?"

"What, driving with no hands?" He joked. Self defense mechanisms were way too useful in this life.

"No, why are you letting me stay with you?" Because I missed you. Because I don't want to let you out of my sight. He put his hand back on the wheel and faced Justin.

"Why do you care, it's what you want, isn't it?" They sat for a moment in silence, but Brian was pretty sure Justin wasn't done yet. God. He'd missed Sunshine's babbling on, even if it was obnoxious.

"I know why." Justin sing-songed. "It's because you love me. Madly, passionately, deeply. Just like I always suspected." He looked at Justin and rolled his eyes. The kid was a hopeless romantic.

They got out of the car. Brian lifted Justin's duffle out of the back and they headed into the building.

"Can we, uh….take the stairs?" Justin asked, frowning at the tiny elevator. Brian nodded. They climbed the stairs to his loft and Justin waited behind him, shifting quietly, as he unlocked the door and slid it open.

They spent most of the evening just talking. Justin talked, mostly, but Brian brought up some interesting conversation topics as well. As they talked, Brian helped Justin with his exercises, gently massaging his hand whenever it cramped up. When Brian looked up at the time, it was already past midnight.

"I'm going to take a shower and go to bed. Okay?"

"A little early for you, don't you think? Shouldn't you be out?"

"I'm staying in. With you." He savored the brief sunshine. Then he got up and headed to the shower, sliding the bathroom door shut respectively, even though he rarely did that when Justin was around. He let the water pound down on him and thought about what he had agreed to do. He just hoped he was doing the right thing. He wanted Justin back. He wanted that Sunshine smile to come out again. And he wanted to be able to touch the boy with him flinching away, thinking Brian didn't notice. He turned off the water and dried off, flopping into bed and picking a magazine off the nightstand. He could hear Justin clattering around in the kitchen, cleaning up from dinner out of habit.

When Justin joined him in the bed, he put the magazine down and turned his attention to the boy. It was now or never. He hoped Justin would let him touch him. He watched him get into the bed fully clothed.

"What are you doing all the way over there?" He watched Justin's movements, but he couldn't tell how to read them. "Come closer." He rolled over, allowed the fabric of the blankets to separate them. "Why don't you take off some of the clothes? You might get overheated."

Justin smiled at him nervously and tugged at his shirt. Brian gently helped him to take it off, brushing his knuckles against Justin's bare back. Just the slight touch and wanted more, but he knew he had to be gentle and slow. He leaned in, a little tentative, then kissed him gently. When Justin responded, he took this as encouragement. He rested his head gently against Justin's, listening to him breath. "Roll over." He encouraged softly. He felt the boy tense against him. Justin looked at him, then sighed and rolled onto his stomach.

Brian slowly moved over Justin, grabbing the condom and lube, then rolled off to look at him as he opened the condom. Justin glanced from his face to the condom and back again, looking so trusting and yet so unsure. Brian didn't know what that meant, but Justin didn't stop him so he continued, placing his cock at Justin's entrance and pressing his face to Justin's back to kiss his shoulder as he pushed in.

But then Justin was twitching and jerking beneath him, squirming away. "No. Don't. Don't." He moved away, watching him panting on the pillow. "I can't." Justin sat up, moving to sit at the edge of the bed. Shit. That hadn't gone so well. He didn't like Justin's pain. Brian ran a hand across his face, grinding a palm into his eye. He wanted to comfort Justin. He wanted to help him. He hated seeing the hurt and the fear so obvious on his face.

Uncertain, he moved to sit behind Justin. "It's okay." He hesitantly reached out to touch him. Justin sighed but didn't flinch.

"It's not okay." Brian began tracing random patterns along Justin's skin with a finger. He didn't know what to do, what to say. Brian Kinney wasn't one to bare his soul, but as he listened to Justin's quiet tears, watched his shoulders shaking with silent sobs of fear and frustration, he wanted to do whatever he could to make his Sunshine better.

"Brian, come on. I have to go to therapy." Brian groaned and pulled himself away from the boards he had been staring at for the past hour, analyzing, trying to figure out which was best for the company he was advertising. "The car's not going to drive itself to my physical therapy."

"Okay, okay." For a moment he had sounded like the old Justin, and Brian stood there and savored that thought before following Justin out the door to drop him off at his 7 PM appointment.

"Bye." Justin opened the passenger door with his left hand and got out.

"Bye. See you in an hour." He watched Justin flinch at the sound of the door slamming shut, wincing himself at the look on the boy's face. He made sure Justin got inside, then turned out of the parking lot and drove back toward Liberty Avenue.

Once at Woody's, he scanned the crowd for his friend. Unfortunately, he realized that he may not recognize then man now, since he would be clothed, and since it had been quite a few years since they'd seen each other when it wasn't dark.

"Brian! Hey, Brian!" A light-haired man was waving to him beside the bar. He walked up.

"Dr. Alex Wilder." He announced sarcastically to the familiar man. "Hi. Did you get my message?" He nodded toward the bartender, ordered.

"Yeah. You said you wanted to talk. Off the record. And you wanted my advice. That's got to be a first."

"Yeah, I know. But….Justin's…I need your professional advice." Brian took the glass that was handed to him.

"Okay, talk. I'll give you what I can."

"You heard about the kid, the one who got bashed at his prom?" Brian didn't like referring to Justin as a "kid," but right now he had to distance himself. Alex nodded, raising his eyebrows in a gesture for him to continue.

"I don't know how to help him. His mom gave him to me, said he trusts me. I'm sure it was completely against her better judgment, but she did it because she thinks it'll help Justin. But it's not helping. Or not helping enough. Or…I don't know. But he's different. Scared. Nervous all the time. He freaks out if he's alone for too long, but he wont live the apartment. If I touch him, he flinches, tenses up. He lets me kiss him, but only if I go slow. Last night…" he broke off, rubbing a hand over his face in a gesture of distress he hadn't meant to display in front of a shrink, of all people. "Last night I tried to fuck him. First time since the bashing. He freaked out. Barely let me touch him after that. I just want to help him get better. So I can go back to fucking him as usual." He added as a defense mechanism. He knew Alex would see through it, but he did it anyway.

"Okay. Anything else?"

"Yeah. You tell anybody about this, you're dead."

Alex looked at him. "You know, for someone who has enough disorders to merit your own classification in the diagnostic and statistical manual, you are one of the most well adjusted and high functioning bastards I know."

Brian made a face. Shrinks had weird ways of complimenting people. "Thanks."

"What's your secret?" Brian made his way across the room to a table, talking over his shoulder as he went.

"A series of hopeless addictions, for one," he held out his glass and smirked. "And, never seeing a shrink." They sat down. Alex smiled at him.

"You're seeing one now." Brian made a face. Alex put out his hands, his clinical face on now. "So, uh, you tried to hold him, to have sex with him, but he wouldn't let you touch him? That must be a first for you."

Brian fixed the psychiatrist with a stare. I asked for your help, not your sarcasm. Alex smiled a bit, taking back his remark. "However, it's understandable. Something like that happens, naturally he's going to be afraid to let anyone touch him. Even you."

"But he'll get over it, right?" He needed to know, needed to be reassured that his Sunshine would be back. He didn't want to have to deal with this black ball of pain that seemed to be surrounding the normal happy blonde.

"Well, that depends. It's like a….a fairy tale. Rapunzel trapped in the tower, Hansel and Gretel, caged by the witch. Only in this case, it's Justin's memory that's locked up. And it's…it's up to you, to release it. Handsome prince."

Brian sighed. And how the fuck was he going to do that? He wasn't a shrink. He couldn't get into people's heads and know immediately what they needed. "And…" he frowned, sitting back. "How the fuck do I do that?"

"Trigger his memory. Get him to feel the pain."

Brian stopped. Get Justin to feel the pain that was probably worse than what he had been feeling this past month? Get Justin to feel the pain of something that had nearly killed him? "Are you shitting me?"

Alex shook his head, serious. "Until he can process it and move beyond it, he's always gonna feel isolated, unhappy, alone." Brian closed his eyes. How could Alex be so much more insightful than he was and not even had met the person they were talking about? "He's not just the walking wounded; the walking dead."

Brian took another drink, exhaled. "You're very eloquent when I'm drunk."

Alex laughed and looked at him knowingly. "I'm afraid our time's up."

"So how much do I owe you?" Brian asked mockingly. He watched Alex get up and approach him.

"I'll take it out in trade. Next time I see you in the Baths." Brian chuckled. That wont be for a while. He watched Alex walk away, then stared down at his drink, trying to process all the information he had just received. He had to trigger Justin's fucking memory? What the hell? And how was he going to do that? Hit him with a bat again? Make him go see Chris Hobbes? He shook his head. No. He'd have to think about it.

He drove back to the hospital to pick up Justin from therapy, and waited outside for the boy. He glanced at himself in the rearview mirror and noticed a bit of silk showing itself from beneath his shirt. He tucked away just in time, as Justin walked out of the doors and up to the car.

"Hi."

"Hey. Get in. Let's go home."

Driving back, he realized that Justin didn't remember the dance they'd had together. While Justin was in the shower, he called Daphne, who agreed to his plan.

The next evening, once Brian got home from work and Justin had finished with his exercises, Brian called up Daphne. She arrived with a small smile, handing Brian a CD.

"Thanks. Hold on a sec." Daphne conversed with Justin while Brian wandered into the bedroom and changed into the black shirt that he'd worn to Justin's prom, being extremely careful to tuck the stained scarf away so it would stay well out of sight. He stepped back out. Daphne clapped her hands.

"Well, let's get started. Come on, clear off the table." Frowning, Justin did as she commanded and moved the stuff onto another chair, then watched as she and Brian moved the table, then the couch. Brian almost laughed at the look of utter confusion on his face.

"What are you guys doing?" He asked as they rolled up the rug.

"We're going to help you remember your dance."

"I told you, I don't remember."

"Yeah, but we can at least try, cant we?" Justin shrugged and stared at the floor. Brian let Daphne talk to him, busying himself with something on the chairs. He listened to her tell the events of the prom. "Well, we were dancing. And, um, I think they were playing this. Anyways, that's when Brian came in," He heard his name and entered, standing beside Daphne so that they were in a similar formation to the one he had entered when he came into their prom. "And he had on a tux, and a white silk scarf."

Brian could feel the scarf around his shoulders. He hoped to hell this would work. He looked at Justin.

"I think I remember that." A spark of hope bloomed in the pit of Brian's stomach. "But I'm not sure."

"Well…um, he looked awesome!" Daphne grinned at him. "And he said to me…" She gestured to him, it was his cue. He turned to her.

"You look hot, Daphne. I'd fuck you." She laughed, just like she had that night. Justin huffed a sort of forced chuckle.

"And then he asked if he could borrow you," Brian gently took Justin's right hand, moving a little bit. "to dance, and he took your hand, and uh, led you to the dance floor. They were playing this." She hit the button on the stereo. Familiar, and now painful, lyrics poured out. He put his other hand on Justin's waist. Justin's left hand stayed near his chest, the fingers rubbing together nervously.

"Close your eyes." He told Justin softly. "Maybe, uh…you'll remember something." He swayed with Justin, pulling him gently along, dancing in a similar path to the one they had taken before. But it was different. Instead of Justin following eagerly, he was pulling away, uncertain, tripping over his own feet. Brian sighed, remembering the all-encompassing happiness they had both felt while dancing that night. It was not present now. He stopped. Justin opened his eyes and looked at him.

"Well?"

"We really danced to this corny old song?" The blonde gestured toward the stereo. Brian chuckled, and making himself extremely vulnerable, pulled out a last ditch effort.

"Ah…I'd prefer to think of it as 'ridiculously romantic.'" He widened his eyes and raised his brows in expectation of recognition of the remark, but all he saw in Justin's eyes was confusion and not a hint of recognition. He pulled Justin back to dance, still trying.

"You should've seen it. You and Brian had the entire floor to yourselves."

Brian smiled a bit, recalling. He bit his lip. "We did some, um, pretty fancy moves."

"Mouths were dropping! It was so cool. And then, when you guys kissed…it was so hot!"

"You kissed me?" Yeah. I shouldn't have done that. Justin pulled his hands away, drawing them close to him. "In front of everybody?"

"Yeah. You should've been there." They looked at each other, both disappointed. Brian sighed. Justin dropped his hands and stalked over to the couch, sitting down.

"It's not going to work."

"What else can we try?" Thank god for Daphne's overly optimistic attitude.

"I don't know. I could-" take him to the garage where it happened. Where he nearly died. Where I nearly fell apart. "Never mind."

"No, you could what?" It was Justin, wanting to know. Brian glanced up at him, then down at his hands, picking at them. He scratched the back of his neck.

"I could, uh, take you to the garage. Where it….happened…." He couldn't look at either of them. He heard Justin get up and walk over to him, and didn't look up until he felt a hand on his arm.

"It's okay, Brian. I'll…I'll try it. Okay?" Brian nodded, looked up. He closed his eyes for a moment, then stepped forward.

"Let's get my fucking living room back to normal so you can get out of here and back to your homework." He said to Daphne, who grinned. The usual Kinney charm was back, if not a little cracked.

Daphne left with a grin and a wave. Sighing, Brian ran a hand through his hair and turned to Justin.

"Are you sure you want to do this tonight? We could-"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Let's go." Brian sighed again. He sure as hell wasn't ready to go back there. But since Justin wanted to, he had to.