Parce Mihi Domine Chapter 6

[nothing_rhymes_with_ianto]

Brian's feeling and thoughts from 1.22 through the end of 2.02. This is a gapfiller of sorts, and tells what happens in the month and a half or so when Justin was in the hospital.

 

That night he went to Babylon with the boys. Sucking and fucking was a lot better than sitting around smoking weed. He stood on the stairs, watching the mass of bodies undulating below him, zeroing in on the hot ones. But for some reason, he really didn't feel like going down and nabbing any of them to take to the back room. Emmett was staring longingly at one of the dancers.

"God, I want his ass."

"Who doesn't?"

Emmett shook his head. "No, no, I mean I really want his ass. Instead of this tired old thing."

"You've always said your ass was your finest feature."

"Only, lately it's looked a bit peaked."

Brian made his way down the stairs. "Yeah, well, maybe it needs a rest." He couldn't believe he was hearing himself say that. Emmett leaned back to look at him.

"What it needs, is a lift."

"You're too young for plastic surgery." Ted commented.

"Haha. This life can wear you out by the time your thirty. Right, Bri?" Haha. Fuck off. He started back down the stairs. "Besides, self improvement is something we should all strive, no matter what age."

"Trust me, take it from me; gluteal enhancement is very pricey."

"My god, Teddy! Don't tell me you had work done!"

Brian smirked. "Yeah, cause if you have, I'd sue."

Ted nodded sardonically. "Heheh. I'm speaking in my professional capacity as a financial advisor. Butt work costs big bucks."

"Big bucks, I don't have." Emmett shrugged.

Brian prepared a bump. "Well, maybe you could sell that old tired ass for a new one." Emmett chuckled at him, grinning. He watched Michael bound over.

"I just got the most fucking amazing blow job." He leaned on the railing. "Want a bump?"

"No, thank you."

"Looks like fun though."

Michael looked disappointed. "What's wrong with you guys?"

"It's late." Ted moved away. "Tomorrow's a work day." He kissed Michael's cheek.

"Yeah for some of us." Brian was a little annoyed that Michael didn't have a job yet.

"Sightseeing's over." Emmett kissed Michael goodbye as well.

"It's early! C'mon! We just got here!" The two rolled their eyes and left. Michael turned to Brian. "Let's party!"

Brian felt tired. Not exhausted, but his brain just didn't want to think anymore, and his body didn't want to move, it just wanted to get inebriated. He sat down on the stairs.

"You've been partying ever since you got back."

"So what if I have? I-I'm free now, I can stay up all night and fuck my brains out, like you." Not like me, not right now. Brian scoffed, laughing at him sardonically. Mikey held his hand out. "Let's dance."

Brian shook his head. "I don't want to."

"It'll be good for you. It'll take your mind off things."

Brian waved a hand at him. "I-I said I don't want to."

"Well you always liked dancing with Justin." Fuck. You. Brian stared at him. What Michael had just said was totally out of line, even if he didn't know it. He shook his head, putting his beer down and brushing past Mikey. He strode out of the club and got in his car, driving home to collapse in bed and try not to think about what he almost lost and what he had lost and what the fuck was wrong with this goddamn world.

"Briiiaaaannn! Oh, Briiiaaan! Wake up and come help me with your son's birthday present. Brian! Get up and get over here!" Brian groaned at the message machine that had awakened him and answered the phone.

"Huh?"

"I said, get your ass over here and help me set up Gus's first swingset. Come on. Get your ass out of bed. When did you get home from work?" Brian looked at the clock

"An hour ago. Thanks for letting me sleep."

"Get out of bed. Come over here. Help me build this thing. Melanie's not here, if that's any more incentive."

"Fine." Brian grumbled through gritted teeth. He didn't bother showering, since he'd fallen asleep at his computer desk in his work clothes. He carded his fingers through his hair and drove to Lindsay's.

She had already started, but the swingset was a mess. He started reading the manual aloud as Lindsay puttered about with the tools and the mess of poles and screws and other bits and pieces.

"Attach part J to part K using a…gratchet. What the fuck is a gratchet?" He tossed the manual away.

"Beats me. I'm sure Mel would know. She's a whiz with hardware."

"Oh, I bet." He turned to look at his son. "I think we should just hire someone else."

"Hey! It's your duty as a father to build your son's first swing set." Lindsay insisted loudly. "Now get cracking. I want it ready for his birthday!"

Brian moved to help her, looking at his steadily growing son in the stroller. "I know, it seems like only yesterday I was jacking off into that cup."

Lindsay giggled. "And you and Michael and Justin were tearing into the room." She looked at him softly. "You couldn't believe you had a son."

He thought back to that night. "Two sons." Then he grew silent when he remembered he didn't have one of them any more.

"Why don't you give his mother a call and see how he's doing?"

Brian shook his head. He'd better not. "She doesn't ever want me to see him again."

"I know, but…maybe if you spoke to her…"

He shook his head. "No, she's right. It's better this way." I don't have to remember every time I see him and he doesn't have to try every time he sees me. He decided he didn't want to talk about it any more and moved to work on the swing set. Lindsay tried to help him, but the damn poles weren't lining up. "Wait, wait." It wasn't working. "Fuck this. Maybe I'll have it ready in time for your wedding."

Lindsay chuckled. "Oh, there wont be any wedding. Mel turned me down." Brian couldn't help it, he cracked up. Finally, something and someone worth laughing at. "Ah, it's good to hear you laughing finally, asshole."

"You finally proposed to her and she blew you off? How come?"

"Oh, for reasons I'm sure you'd appreciate. 'I don't think a meaningless heterosexual ritual would prove our love, and it wouldn't be legal anyway.'"

"Hey, cant argue with that."

"Hey, I was on the debate team. I can argue anything."

Brian messed with the wrench, making a face. "But for once, I agree with Melanie. Fuck weddings. Fuck rituals. And fuck this swing set!" He shoved it. Lindsay laughed.

"I guess I can see if Mel can figure this out, since we cant."

"Yeah, you forced me over here for nothing."

"Hey, you get to see your son!"

"Yeah." He turned and smiled at Gus, lifting him out of the stroller. "Hey, Sonnyboy." He could feel Lindsay's affectionate gaze on them as he spoke softly to his son.

"Brian!" He could hear Justin's muffled voice yelling through the door, his knocks echoing. "Brian!" Shit. He opened the door, pulling the pissed Brian Kinney mask on. He wanted to see Justin badly, but it really was better this way. It was better if he wasn't around Justin. Justin was sweaty and out of breath, he looked scared. "I'm glad it's you."

Brian raised an eyebrow. "Who else would it be?" He put a hand out to stop Justin. "Where you going?"

"In."

"Did I say you could?" Thank god he was good at this rejection shit. Justin smiled. Shit.

"Don't give me any shit, all right? I nearly freaked out five times getting here."

"Well, you're going to have to nearly freak out five more times, getting home."

"I want to see you."

"Well, you cant, okay?" It hurt to see Justin's face fall like that, but he couldn't let it show on his face.

"Why not? Are you fucking some guy?"

"None of your fucking business. Now go away." He started to close the door, but paused. Just go, before I pull you in here myself and never let you go. He looked away and shut the door.

"But why?" Justin's plaintive cry made him stop on the stairs to the bedroom. "Why?"

Brian stalked through Babylon, scrutinizing his choices before zeroing in on his prey. It was some guy who'd been eyeing him all night. He was hot enough, Brian decided to go for it. He slithered up to the guy, whispered in his ear. It didn't take much for the trick to latch on to him so they could go back to the loft.

But the whole time he was fucking the guy, all he could think of was Justin. The goddamn kid was even infiltrating his sex life! Christ! His mind was not on what he was doing. When he came, he thought of the sunshine smile from before the bashing.

He pulled out of the trick and sat on the edge of the bed, smoking a cigarette as the guy dressed. He flicked his lighter open, closed, open, closed, unable to get Justin out of his head. It was driving him out of his fucking mind.

"D'you ever see Citizen Kane?" The trick's question brought him back to the present.

"Yeah."

"All my life, all I've ever heard is how it's the greatest fucking movie ever made. So, I finally rent it. The guy who plays the lead is fat, the story about some sled sucks, and it's in black and white."

"Maybe you were expecting too much."

"Like with you. All I've ever heard is how Brian Kinney is the greatest fuck ever. If you ask me, you're both highly overrated." Brian rolled his eyes. Who cares what this guy thought?

"Well, everybody's a critic." He lit his cigarette and strode toward the door to show the trick out. "Next time, maybe you should rent Butthole Boys. I gave it two thumbs up."

He slid open the door. Jennifer was standing their, hand raised to knock. She looked at him, then away. He rolled his eyes.

"I-I came at the wrong time."

"You two have a lot in common." He turned and wandered away, allowing the trick to let himself out.

"May I come in?" Jennifer asked tentatively. Brian picked up his jeans and gave her a 'go ahead' gesture. She stepped inside and looked around. "You're place is very…glamorous."

"Does the trick." He said around his cigarette, fully meaning the double entendre.

"I'm sure." He opened the refrigerator and grabbed random contents out. He was sort of hungry, but really he just needed something to do with his hands. "You know if…if you ever feel like selling, I'm a realtor now."

"He's not here."

"I know. It's why I came. To ask you a favour."

He frowned at her. He'd already left Justin alone and promised not to see him again. What else did she want? His virginity back?

"I already did you one."

"Yeah, but, uh…" She looked at her hands. He began cutting open an avocado. "This one's for him. I want you to take him."

He stopped. "'Scuse me?" What the hell?

"I want you to take my son." He slowly opened a peanut butter jar. Take Justin? But she just made him promise not to see him. What the hell? Was it fuck with Brian's mind week? What the hell was going on? He rubbed a hand across his face.

"Mrs. Taylor…"

"Jennifer."

"Whatever. What the fuck are you talking about?"

She gestured helplessly. "He, um…wont let anyone touch him, or…let anyone near him. He shows practically no emotion except when he's in one of his rages or he…wakes up screaming from a nightmare. But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is, um…standing there, helpless." A memory of that night, running with no time to stop anything, flashed in front of Brian's eyes. "Do you have any idea what that feels like?"

Yeah. Yeah, I know exactly what that feels like. I know what that feels like because it was my fault. I know what it feels like because I was the one running with no time to stop him. I know what it feels like because I was in the ambulance when I didn't know what was going on. I know what it feels like because I sat there for three days feeling that way. I have a very good idea of what that feels like.

He cleared his throat and looked at her. "What would you like me to do?"

"Touch him. Help him be touched."

He frowned. "You want me to fuck him?"

Jennifer sighed. "You're the one he trusts. If that's what it takes…"

"I thought you never wanted me to see him again." He couldn't help accusing her. This fucking with his head was pissing him off.

"I don't. But, um…if I'm ever going to see my son even remotely resemble the person he was, I don't have a choice."

He stared at the countertop. It was better if he wasn't around Justin. But he wanted to see him. But it was true about Justin being different than he was. Brian missed the kid. And if he was helping him…

"Okay."

"Okay. I… Thank you, Brian." He nodded blankly. Jennifer showed herself out, leaving Brian to his thoughts.