Against My Will I Stay Out Chapter 2
May. 29th, 2010 03:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nothing_rhymes_with_iantoChapter Summary/Teaser: Michael and Justin argue. Justin visits Jennifer and the boys at Woody's, then makes a decision.
For a moment there was silence and all Justin could see were three pairs of wide eyes staring at him, like they had just seen a ghost. And then Debbie was shooting into the entryway and crushing Justin into one of her lung-squashing embraces and Michael was making sputtering noises of surprise and petulancy and Carl was just standing by the kitchen table, watching the goings-on with surprise and amusement.
"Sunshine! You look wonderful! I'm so happy to see you!" Justin could practically see the exclamation points at the end of each of her sentences. He allowed Debbie to squish him breathless once more before breaking away and looking at Michael.
"Hi, Michael."
"Uh, hi, Justin." Michael shifted from foot to foot. Justin heard Gus clomp down the stairs and into the room. "What are you doing here?"
"I…" Justin shot Gus a pleading look, but Gus just shrugged. "Gus came and got me." He didn't offer any other explanation and Michael just nodded like it meant something.
"Hey there, Justin." Carl greeted him with a nod from the kitchen table.
"Hi, Carl. Good to see you." Carl gave him a smile, which he returned.
Debbie bustled over to him again. He had forgotten about her tendency to mother hen. "Sweetie, you must be exhausted! Why don't you go upstairs and rest?"
Justin shook his head. As much as he appreciated the care and attention, he didn't feel like it. He was jittery and hyper with nerves, and he didn't want to sleep in the slightest. "It's all right, Debbie. I'm going to go and see my mother. I think she'd like to know if I'm in town."
"All right, Sunshine."
She nodded and he turned away to open the door. "Justin? Can I talk to you outside?" Michael's voice hit him and he fought the urge to wince. It was the jarring, forlorn tone he used when he was irrationally worried, and when he didn't want Justin in the way of whatever was going on. He plastered on a smile and turned back.
"Sure, Michael." They headed out the door together. Once they were off the landing and leaning against the fence, Michael turned to him, his face darkened and pulled down in a frown. Justin had to say, he agreed with Brian, the sulking gave Michael jowls. And it wasn't pretty.
"What are you doing here?"
"Gus told me about Brian. Why didn't anybody call me?"
"You two haven't been together in three years, Justin. And we didn't know if you were even talking to us anymore. You know we haven't heard from you in years. It would have been nice for you to let us know how you were doing."
Justin shook his head. He really didn't want to get into this, not right now. "Michael, I really don't want to argue about this right now. I'm back, that's what matters. Are you gonna let me go or is there anything else you want to say to me?"
"No, go on." Justin nodded a curt thanks and walked out of the yard. He walked a few blocks, just taking in the street, remembering, letting the past wash over him in waves. After a little while, he hailed a cab and told the cabbie his mother's address.
Justin listened to the chimes of the doorbell echo through the house. He was standing back at the very edge of the landing, bouncing on his toes. It was just his mother's house, he told himself, but he was still strangely nervous. The door opened and Justin stopped.
"Um, hi…Tucker. Is my mom home?" Tucker gave him a smile, somewhere between hostile and welcoming, and nodded.
"Yeah, she is. Hold on. Jen!" he called into the house.
"Yeah?"
"Someone's here to see you."
"Hold on a second, let me dry my hands." He heard running water from the kitchen stop. Tucker backed away from the door, leaving it open, and wandered toward the stairs. Justin stayed outside. He wasn't sure what to do. He heard his mothers footsteps stop at the end of the hallway.
"Justin!"
"Hi, Mom." He smiled slightly, wondering when the hell his grin had devolved into this weird, sad-nervous watery look. It must have been about three years ago, he decided.
"Justin, Honey!" She hurried toward him, but then stopped abruptly, standing awkwardly before him, her hands wringing together in unconscious nervousness. Why was she afraid to touch him? Had it really been that long? Was he really that much of a stranger now?
He smiled at her again and put out his arms, pulling her into a hug. She clung to him, holding him hard against her chest. When they pulled away, both were blinking rapidly.
"How have you been?" they asked at the same time. Jennifer gave an anxious little chuckled, and Justin smiled a bit.
"I've been good. My art is selling wonderfully. I'm really happy in New York." I think, his mind supplied to him.
"Are you seeing someone?" Jennifer's voice sounded almost resigned. He wondered what that meant.
"No, I'm not. Too busy. I'm sorry I haven't really kept in touch. New York is hard work. It's a distracting place to live. So how are you?"
"Tucker and I are doing great."
"'Tucker and I'?"
"We got married a few years ago, sweetie."
"Oh. Well, that's nice. How's Molly?"
"She's doing great. She's got accepted to Stanford. She wants to be a lawyer."
"Good for her. I thought she might like California."
"She loves it, Justin. She thinks it's wonderful."
"That's good." There was another awkward silence.
"Why- why don't you come in, Justin? Do you want something to eat?"
"Sure, I guess. Thanks." He followed her inside and sat down at the kitchen table as she began to fix him something. He suddenly felt seventeen again.
"So, you're back. How…" she cast her eyes down, a hint of anger in her face. "How long are you staying?"
"Mom? I…I don't know. Gus just showed up on my doorstep this afternoon. I didn't even know he knew where I lived. He told me about Brian, and asked me to come back. So…."
"I'm sorry about Brian. Although, I haven't really seen him around much."
"I know. Gus says he spends most of his time alone. Nobody's really seen him."
"He misses you, Justin. I think you really hurt him." It was just a statement, but Justin heard it as an accusation, and a rightful one at that. Again he felt a rough spike of regret.
"I know. I didn't mean to. I just thought it would be better for both of us." Jennifer nodded, placing a grilled cheese sandwich and apple slices on a plate in front of him.
"You should go see him, you know. It might do you both some good. Talk things out, maybe. He'll probably be happy to see you."
Justin thought Brian would probably blow up in his face and then shut down again, but he nodded at his mother and took a bite of his sandwich in silence.
"So, what's life been like here in Pittsburgh?" He sort of didn't want to know, because that would make him want to stay, but he didn't want this silence making awkward holes in the air around them.
"Well, Tucker and I got married. It was a wonderful ceremony. Emmett was the planner, of course."
"Of course," Justin responded around a mouthful.
"And…Lindsay and Melanie moved back here a few years ago."
"Yeah, Gus told me. What happened?"
"They decided they had made a hasty decision. And I guess Gus wanted to see Brian more often. And Melanie had to go to school all over again, you know, because some laws are different up there. They decided it was too hard, and moved back here."
"Oh."
"And, what else? Ted and his boyfriend, Blake, decided to go to Vermont and get married last year. And Emmett and his boyfriend, Calvin are thinking they might get engaged, soon, too."
There was a heavy silence as they both thought back to that time years ago when Justin and Brian had nearly married.
Jennifer took a breath and interrupted Justin's thoughts, cutting off his sudden wave of sadness. "Hunter is going to graduate from AMDA next year. He got a minor role in a TV show. But it's just for a few weeks. Ben and Michael are really proud. Oh! And Ben is doing really well. He had a big scare about four years back, but he's okay now. And he's expanded into teaching a class on politics and equality and how to express your opinions without violence. I can't remember the official name of the class, though."
She glanced at the clock. "Oh! It's almost six! Do you want me to drive you to Woody's? According to Debbie, the guys are usually there around this time. You can say hi to them."
"Yeah, sure. Will…"
"Brian be there? No, I don't think so. He seems to be spending a lot of time in his loft, these days."
"Okay. Well, I guess I'll go to Woody's." Justin finished the rest of his meal and brought the plate over to the sink, turning on the faucet and sluicing it through the water before placing it in the dishwasher.
Jennifer grabbed her coat, called goodbye to Tucker, and Justin followed her outside. They were silent as she drove him to Woody's. Justin stared out the window, watching the neighborhoods fly past, noting the changes. Though, when he walked into Woody's it had a newer bar and the stage curtains had changed, other than that, it was still the old Woody's.
Just inside the door, Justin looked around. He had a sudden flash of twelve years ago, when he had been standing like this, nervously just inside the door, afraid of being touched, looking for Brian. But this time he was looking for everyone else. Emmett saw him before he noticed them.
"Baby! Justin!" Justin heard the falsetto call and found Emmett's waving hand, hurried over. He kissed Emmett's cheek, then Ted's, and sat down in an empty chair. "Justin! This is my sweetie, Calvin." Justin gave Calvin a handshake and a sunshine smile. He looked at Blake.
"I remember you, Blake. Good to see you."
Blake nodded. "Yeah," he said in his breathless way. "You too."
"So," Emmett gave him an adorable purse-lipped smile. "Whatcha been up to, Baby?"
"My art, working, you know."
"What's New York like?"
"Em, New York is wonderful! It's big and loud and fast paced and I love it. I'm totally amazed that I even managed to become successful in such a huge place."
"We always knew you could do it," Ted contributed. "Especially Debbie."
"I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch, guys. I've been busy, and you know, once I wasn't busy I was so used to not checking up on everyone that I just didn't."
"We understand." Emmett said, though he looked as if he didn't. Someone whistled from the bar and Emmett jumped up. "Ah! Drinks! Baby, you want me to get you something while I'm up there?"
"Uh, yeah. Beam. Double."
"Sure thing, sweetie." He watched Emmett flounce off with an affectionate smile.
Blake and Ted turned back to discussing something, and Calvin was making doe eyes at Emmett from across the room, so Justin temporarily allowed his mind to wander.
He remember all the times he and Brian had sat here in Woody's. He remembered when Stockwell had lost and Brian had pulled him into a tight embrace of joy and rocked him back and forth. He remembered the first night he'd gone to Woody's, he remembered coming to Woody's and showing Brian his new piercing, which resulted in Brian taking him home and fucking his brains out. He remembered the first time he'd ever heard Brian thank someone and accept help, in Woody's. He remembered the stag party for Brian, when he had first realized that maybe marriage wasn't what he wanted. And wasn't that the start of the whole goddamn thing?
He shook himself back into the present when Emmett returned with drinks, and they fell into small talk, about whatever current drama was going on at Babylon, with some new guy, with the Diner, whatever. Slowly, he began to catch up on life in Pittsburgh after he left.
After a while, Emmett made a flowy little gesture with his hand and stood up. "It's getting late! I have work in the morning, as I'm sure all the rest of you do." He took Calvin's hand. "We'll see you all at the diner tomorrow. Ta!"
"I better go, too." Justin said, dropping money on the table for his drink and standing up. "If I can, I'll try to get over to the diner tomorrow."
"Okay. See you." Ted and Blake waved him goodbye and he left. He hailed a cab and got inside.
"Six Fuller, corner of Tremont." The cabbie nodded, smirking. He realized the driver had probably been there on many an occasion, and wasn't surprised.
He got out and paid the cabbie, then turned toward the familiar door and took a breath. He stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled out his key ring, wondering idly if he had remembered to keep the key to Brian's loft. He had. He unlocked the door and took the stairs, so Brian wouldn't know he was coming. He didn't want Brian ready with some pissy sarcastic remark, ready to immediately slam the door in his face.
For a moment, he just stood still in front of the steel door, staring. Behind that metal, the loft held a history of five of the most important years of his life. He breathed out a shaky breath full of memories and longing, and knocked on the door. It echoed, rattling like the undead, like something out of a dream, a nightmare. He heard a groan from inside the loft and jolt of worry and resisted devotion ran through him, shooting silver through to the tips of his nerves.
The door rolled slowly open, and then Justin was staring at the man who had been merely an apparition of his dreams for the past three years, the center of his unconscious and the undying muse of his paintings. Brian's face was gaunt, dark circles of pain under his eyes. He was still lean and muscular, but there was something about his abdomen, his skin, that made him seem frail to Justin. He was wearing jeans, unbuttoned, of course, and a black wifebeater. It made Justin fall in swirling lust with him all over again. He looked at the hazel eyes, the fear and anger and love and longing and need and weakness and agony warring behind them. Brian's face pulled into an annoyed and angry frown, but Justin could see through it to the wanting simmering beneath the surface. He felt the electricity, zinging angry and needy and tense between them.
Brian pressed his tongue to the inside of his cheek, cocked his head. "What the fuck are you doing here?"
Chapter 3
